– My mouth is watering. Everything looks amazing, mom. I can’t wait to try it all. I’m going to rinse my face. I can even say I’m running as fast as I can,– his words made both of them smile.

After having breakfast in an unrushed manner, Muhit offered Mereke to walk down the river bank. The sun and the coastal views were making them happy. Cleaning the table up as fast as possible, Mereke was already dressing Kanat up. Karlygash was rarely looking at her mom, listening to her grandma and nodding.

The road to the bank took a little time. A light sea breeze was rolling small waves to the bank restlessly. The sea and the bank were as if dove-friends cooing, murmuring about something important to each other. As if they were saying something sweet and tender to each other. Just sometimes, seagulls were disturbing them, trying to disrupt their invisible secret conversation. Everything around was surrounded by fresh and mild sea wind. Even the steppe with its sands was trying to inhale this breath of life with its chest exhausted of heat. Although local sands as infinite witnesses of the gone days of their friend the Sea, “were silent gloomy and kept its intimate secrets…”

– Dad, mom, we would like to have a swim. Can we, mom?,– suddenly asked Karlygash, trying hard to keep her little brother away from water.

– Kids, the water is not warm enough yet. Let’s come here after lunch, I know one really beautiful place here. Is that a deal?,– replies Mereke a little angrily.

She looked around and tried to pull her closer.

– Your mom is saying the right thing, kids. Shouldn’t you be better prepared? Mereke let’s move out of here. I would like to show this lighthouse to our kids. Some time ago your father told me some stories about it. I think kids might find them interesting as well. Let me put Kanat on my shoulders and he will be our real lighthouse, looking down at everyone,– he said while setting his son on his shoulders so fast that he didn’t have enough time to react. Muhit looked at his wife and burst into laughter. The walk was great just as they’d expected. Emotions after the morning walk around the beach settled down. Children were already tired and emptied their cold drinks, wishing to lay down and rest.

– Well, kids, did your parents exhaust you with their walk?,– seeing them tired asked their grandma.

– Grandma, I saw a lighthouse…,– said Kanat in a tired but vain manner.

– Isn’t it great, Kanat? I’m your grandma and you should always tell me about everything that you like,love,– replied cheerfully his grandma and gave him a little sweet.

– It’s actually good that you walked down the coast. Local air is curing, Muhit. It’s not just good that you came but also that you didn’t leave your kids back in Kyzylorda,– added Mereke’s father, trying to adjust tv’s antenna.

– Mereke, let me rest before teatime. Please hand me that pillow, darling,– Muhit stretched his arm, addressing Mereke.

– Sure, darling. You all should have a rest. I will go and help my mom,– she said to Muhit, giving him the nearest pillow and running quickly to the kitchen.

On the next day Muhit and his family went to the beach. There was great weather just like the day before. Small, warm sea waves were rolling, calming the consciousness down.

Mereke was messing around with Kanat. She walked him to the sea after getting him ready quickly. Muhit took Kanat’s other hand and all of them dived into the sea cheerfully. Karlygash was already standing there covered in water by her waistline and met them with splashes. Kanat replied to her with the same splashes. He was happy and glowing.

– Mereke, there are stones nearby. They are slippery. Be careful. Don’t let Karlygash, children, climb them… I will be right back, darling. I will walk to the car and come back. I want to take a photo as a memory. Darling, look after Kanat. Don’t you see he is trying to free?,– he said that walking out of water and still watching them, he walked to the car.

– Yes, darling, I’ll watch them,– she replied and continued to splash their children.

Having spent some time by the car, Muhit raised his head and heard a scream for help coming from the water. He couldn’t believe his eyes and ears. Mereke was holding their son in water and screaming and crying loudly.

– Mereke, get him out of water, Mereke, watch for his heart rate. Is it there?,– Muhit dropped everything and ran to his wife, screaming.

– Muhit, I never let him out of my hands. I didn’t notice that stone, darling. Kanat, say something, breathe, love,– sobbing said Mereke.

– The heart rate is faint, it’s hard to palpate, Mereke. We need to call an emergency, love. He got hit in the occipital part of the brain. Oh, yes, we have a car… I’ll get him to the hospital. Don’t panic, Mereke. We have to get through… Take Karlygash and got home with her. I will go to the hospital.– he said so and put his son carefully at the backseat of the car and went to the city center.

He came to the hospital quickly and gave his son to the doctors . He stayed there to wait for the results of the prior examination and talk to the doctors. After some time the doctor walked up to Muhit and, looking through his notes, decided to check out:

– Our nurse told us that you were our colleague. I will tell you directly. Your son has a fracture of the skull base. I suppose that there is a dislocation of the brain³. It all happened because of the inner-brain bleeding or swelling of brain which might have created some pressure, pressing the brain to the bottom of the skull. I had a chance to call for a specialist and told him that we conducted a physical examination in order to state the severity of the injury. We need urgent surgery. The sooner we conduct it, the safer your son will be. You have to understand me and we understand you as well. With all our desire we cannot let you be present at the surgery…. There is a vast wound, pressed bone of the occipital bone of the skull. Perhaps there might be bleeding into the brain and all connected with those consequences. Unfortunately, as your colleague, I can only say that now. Now, if you give permission, we will be preparing a room for surgery. We cannot slow down! Do you understand what I am talking about? I can only advise you not to lose your heart. We will do everything possible… The surgery will be held by an experienced kids surgeon. I will assist him,– said the surgeon, disturbing from his notes on the last phrase, looking at him over his glasses.

Muhit felt something cold coming from him and looked his speaker in the eye and decided to ask him for something.

– Yes I clearly understand what is going on. But ain’t I a doctor?! Let me be present at the surgery with you. I will only observe,– begged Muhit.

– Yes, of course, I’ll give my agreement. The child is suffering from cerebral palsy,– the doctor looked at him with an empty glance,looking at him and then back, he went further on and hushed.

– We will do everything possible. Don’t worry. We will do everything possible… I am sorry but I have already told you my vision about your presence at this surgery,– he said it circling his shoulders with his arms, asked for somebody and quickly went away from him.

The surgery lasted for two hours. Mereke was trying to be absent-minded and praying, not letting his hand go. Her eyes were full of tears but the presence of her husband calmed her a little. Muhit was silent, trying to imagine the outcome of surgery warily. He was trying to imagine everything which seemed to be far and alien for him till now… Everything but not this nightmare which happened to his family at one time, this grief.

The time on the clock, frozen as if made of stone, hands, didn’t dare to move further. After two hours doctors came up to them and told him that the surgery was complicated but still went well. They stood up next to him for a little while and went away. Muhit saw how tired they were and decided not to ask them for details. They were not important to him now. He wanted to learn them for himself in a couple of days. When all worries were supposed to fade away a little and his son would get, at least a little, better. He was still worried inside and looked at his wife, trying to find the most proper words to comfort her.

– Mereke, you heard everything. I will stay here. You go home. Calm them all down. He is probably still in the intensive care room sleeping. Go home, darling. You’ve heard what the doctors said. We only have to pray to God and ask him to give strength to our boy to fight,-he looked at her patting her arm.

– But how would I leave, darling? I want to stay next to you, Muhit. I feel guilty. Can I explain the way it happened, darling?,– she begged in a quiet voice.

– Don’t tell me anything, Mereke. Especially at this moment… Is it the right moment for us to explain to each other? Let Kanat be awaken. Let him get better. I am still worried inside just as you are, Mereke. It obviously was a complicated and urgent surgery.

He was still going through some details frantically in his mind. He still couldn’t calm his mind. It was noticed because he was struggling to choose the right words for Mereke. Painful hours have passed without giving any good news about Kanat’s condition. After waiting, Muhit decided to find the right moment and ask the nurse about the doctors who were operating his son. At this very moment the doctors appeared at the hallway. One of the doctors who talked to him before was also there. They met each other’s looks and he decided to come up to him again. Making a deliberate pause, he addressed him again:

– I explained to you the way the surgery had gone. I’ve just walked out of the intensive therapy room. You have to understand that your son is under anesthesia. I shouldn’t tell you that at the beach the boy got a fracture on his skull which led to all consequences, indeed. You saw it and had to diagnose it right the way. The skull bone was opened and some of the bone parts were removed. I was afraid of the risk of brain swelling and bleeding of your son. Mostly, the purpose of our involvement was to prevent the risk of post traumatic inflammation of brain membranes of your child. Of course you understand that the concept of post-traumatic stress is connected with the future… Whoever it is, and us, as well, we try hard to get a positive outcome of the conducted surgery. I think you understand it yourself. Doctors are still here but soon they’ll be gone… Would you like to talk to them? Let me invite that kids’ surgeon,– he said with his eyes tired.

– I understand that now everything is in God’s hands… I also want to hope that his body will fight… Let us not lose our hearts and hope for the best,– added he and he looked at his watch and started looking for a nurse in a desire to leave.

– Yes, I would like to speak to that neurosurgeon. Thank you for your kind words, colleague. I need to ask him about the severity of my boy’s condition. Each nuance of the surgery is important to me. I’m not a neurosurgeon but you still have to understand my condition. I speak more as a father of this child than a doctor here. Can I at least look at my son? Even if he is still under anesthesia.

Both of them went to the staffroom. After he came back from there, he tried to explain everything to his wife Mereke in simple words. She listened to everything firmly and after her husband ended his narration, she cuddled him up and cried quietly.

– Why are we going through this, darling? Does God really want to take away our son? Tell me, Muhit, don’t be silent,– she said in a worried trembling voice.

– It’s all given to us as a challenge, Mereke. I only hope for the best… Hope that our son will fight for his life. So you also have to pray for Kanat’s health. Okay, darling? And don’t you dare to think about anything bad, sweetheart,– he said, patting her hands.

Muhit and Mereke stayed in the hallway of the hospital in desire to be closer to their son. They had nothing to say to each other. So they were waiting for the news from the intensive therapy room quietly. Mereke couldn’t help but cry quietly from time to time. And Muhit was trying to comfort her by patting her shoulders.

Chapter 2. Breakdown

The grief which happened to Muhit really knocked him down. Kanat died without regaining consciousness after staying in the intensive care room for a couple of days. He disappeared as a bright ray of son. He shone their lives bright but didn’t even say good-bye and left them stay on the Earth. On the dull and perishable Earth where everything reminded of him and grieved. Pavel, as his close friend, noticed it when he visited him to express his condolences when he came to Kyzylorda. It was hard to recognize Muhit. His face was twisted with pain. If some other people didn’t notice this, it said much to his friend. And even more… He was a broken person then but he had always been a cheerful and sympathetic friend of his before. His lively eyes were empty, the look was spread. Pavel saw his friend in such condition for the first time and it confused him. He didn’t appear at his work for a month or so. He disappeared, faded away…It started concerning Pavel. He tried to call him but Muhit didn’t answer his calls. Attempts to find him didn’t give him a successful result. Nobody opened the door of his house. Neighbors didn’t know anything about him whether he was home or not. It all concerned Pavel very much but he didn’t lose hope to find Muhit. He wanted to speak as a friend to him. Although he didn’t know what to do and the way the problem might be solved. This despair and anxiety was noticed by his colleagues at work and it was surprising for them because it was not characteristic of Pavel. He was always very tactful and reserved even at the times it was hard to be whether speaking of private or working deals. However he was not just worried about the fact that he couldn’t find his friend but for something he was really scared of deep down. It was concern to find him safe and sound…. His colleagues were aware of the fact that he had a tragedy in his family and he was in mourning then. Nobody could even imagine what he was feeling. Perhaps each of them wanted to learn about him from his friend but even Pavel was scared of those questions. He just had nothing to say. He didn’t want to lie to them but what’s more,he didn’t want to lie to himself. Those thoughts were wearing him down. And once he decided to fix the following situation and went straight to his house.

Each time he was going through the conversation in his mind. Even though they were arguing a lot, each of them always gave a pleasant smile at the end of conversation. He missed those moments the most. But he was mostly concerned by Mereke’s calls. He knew that she wasn’t home next to Muhit, she stayed at her parents’ house in Aktau. So the concern for his friend was as heavy as the rock. The rock was named Muhit. The rock which also needed some support. And even being at the edge of the abyss, the rock didn’t want to acknowledge that…

He decided to walk to his house. He wanted to think over the conversation in case he was really lucky to meet him. Deep inside he didn’t even have hope for that. But a minute's hope was still warming him inside. The journey to Muhit’s house took him around an hour. Letting the passersby go and trying not to pay attention to them, he was trying to imagine the moment they met inside of his mind. The upcoming conversation was really scaring him. But a desire to meet and hug his friend as he used to do in the past was incredible.

He got to Muhit’s house and stayed by the door for some time. Then he decided to knock on his door. Nobody opened it. He was standing by the door thinking and turned around when he heard the sound of an upcoming person. The person smelt badly. He had a beard and shaggy hair covered with a cap which was shifted from his head didn’t let anybody see his face. He had a bottle with some liquid in his hand, Pavel didn’t even want to know what it was. Pavel wanted to let him pass by and pulled over to the door behind and started to even cover his nose. But that person looked directly at him and asked in a grumpy and strange but familiar voice:

– Why did you come? Won’t you let me in, to my home? Get out of my door,– the stranger said angrily.

– Who are you?,– asked him Pavel. At that time he tried to take a closer look in the eyes of the stranger.

– Why are you standing here by the door? Who did you come to? I mean, let me in my home,– he grunted in response.

– Is that you, Muhit? I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you. Look at the way you look. I’m glad to see you,– he attempted to come closer and give him a hug.

– Don’t hug me, Pasha. You'll get dirty. Why are you here? I don’t want to see anyone. He addressed him walking through the opened door. I came to you to have a talk. Will you meet your friend this way now? It’s not characteristic of you. If you don’t let me in, I will not come back here anymore.– he said sharply. After speaking provocatively, he turned around as if leaving. After some pause he answered: