THE SECOND ACT

The scene is the same as in Act I. Admiral Carlisle is sleeping in an armchair with a handkerchief over his face. Rose is sitting on a grandfather's chair, and Gerald is leaning over the back.

Rose

Isn't papa a perfectly adorable chaperon?

[The Admiral snores.

Gerald

Perfectly.

[A pause.

Rose

I've started fifteen topics of conversation in the last quarter of an hour, Gerald.

Gerald

[Smiling.] Have you?

Rose

You always agree with me, and there's an end of it. So I have to rack my brains again.

Gerald

All you say is so very wise and sensible. Of course I agree.

Rose

I wonder if you'll think me sensible and wise in ten years.

Gerald

I'm quite sure I shall.

Rose

Why, then, I'm afraid we shan't cultivate any great brilliancy of repartee.

Gerald

Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever.

Rose

Oh, don't say that. When a man's in love, he at once makes a pedestal of the Ten Commandments and stands on the top of them with his arms akimbo. When a woman's in love she doesn't care two straws for Thou Shalt and Thou Shalt Not.

Gerald

When a woman's in love she can put her heart on the slide of a microscope and examine how it beats. When a man's in love, what do you think he cares for science and philosophy and all the rest of it!

Rose

When a man's in love he can only write sonnets to the moon. When a woman's in love she can still cook his dinner and darn her own stockings.

Gerald

I wish you wouldn't cap all my observations.

[She lifts up her face, and he kisses her lips.

Rose

I'm beginning to think you're rather nice, you know.

Gerald

That's reassuring, at all events.

Rose

But no one could accuse you of being a scintillating talker.

Gerald

Have you ever watched the lovers in the Park sitting on the benches hour after hour without saying a word?

Rose

Why?

Gerald

Because I've always thought that they must be bored to the verge of tears. Now I know they're only happy.

Rose

You're certainly my soldier, so I suppose I'm your nursery-maid.

Gerald

You know, when I was at Trinity College, Dublin —

Rose

[Interrupting.] Were you there? I thought you went to Oxford.

Gerald

No, why?

Rose

Only all my people go to Magdalen.

Gerald

Yes.

Rose

And I've decided that if I ever have a son he shall go there too.

[The Admiral starts and pulls the handkerchief off his face. The others do not notice him. He is aghast and astounded at the conversation. Lady Frederick comes in later and stands smiling as she listens.

Gerald

My darling, you know I hate to thwart you in any way, but I've quite made up my mind that my son shall go to Dublin as I did.

Rose

I'm awfully sorry, Gerald, but the boy must be educated like a gentleman.

Gerald

There I quite agree, Rose, but first of all he's an Irishman, and it's right that he should be educated in Ireland.

Rose

Darling Gerald, a mother's love is naturally the safest guide in these things.

Gerald

Dearest Rose, a father's wisdom is always the most reliable.

Lady Frederick

Pardon my interfering, but – aren't you just a little previous?

Admiral

[Bursting out.] Did you ever hear such a conversation in your life between a young unmarried couple?

Rose

My dear papa, we must be prepared for everything.

Admiral

In my youth young ladies did not refer to things of that sort.

Lady Frederick

Well, I don't suppose they're any the worse for having an elementary knowledge of natural history. Personally I doubt whether ignorance is quite the same thing as virtue, and I'm not quite sure that a girl makes a better wife because she's been brought up like a perfect fool.

Admiral

I am old-fashioned, Lady Frederick; and my idea of a modest girl is that when certain topics are mentioned she should swoon. Swoon, madam, swoon. They always did it when I was a lad.

Rose

Well, father, I've often tried to faint when I wanted something that you wouldn't give me, and I've never been able to manage it. So I'm sure I couldn't swoon.

Admiral

And with regard to this ridiculous discussion as to which University your son is to be sent, you seem to forget that I have the right to be consulted.

Gerald

My dear Admiral, I don't see how it can possibly matter to you.

Admiral

And before we go any further I should like you to know that the very day Rose was born I determined that her son should go to Cambridge.

Rose

My dear papa, I think Gerald and I are far and away the best judges of our son's welfare.

Admiral

The boy must work, Rose. I will have no good-for-nothing as my grandson.

Gerald

Exactly. And that is why I'm resolved he shall go to Dublin.

Rose

The important thing is that he should have really nice manners, and that they teach at Oxford if they teach nothing else.

Lady Frederick

Well, don't you think you'd better wait another twenty years or so before you discuss this?

Admiral

There are some matters which must be settled at once, Lady Frederick.

Lady Frederick

You know, young things are fairly independent nowadays. I don't know what they'll be in twenty years' time.

Gerald

The first thing the boy shall learn is obedience.

Rose. Certainly. There's nothing so hateful as a disobedient child.

Admiral

I can't see my grandson venturing to disobey me.

Lady Frederick

Then you're all agreed. So that's settled. I came to tell you your carriage was ready.

Admiral

Go and put on your bonnet, Rose. [To Lady Frederick.] Are you coming with us?

Lady Frederick

I'm afraid I can't. Au revoir.

Admiral

A tout à l'heure.

[He and Rose go out.

Gerald

Have you ever seen in your life any one so entirely delightful as Rose?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Only when I've looked in the glass.

Gerald

My dear Elizabeth, how vain you are.

Lady Frederick

You're very happy, my Gerald.

Gerald

It's such a relief to have got over all the difficulties. I thought it never would come right. You are a brick, Elizabeth.

Lady Frederick

I really think I am rather.

Gerald

The moment you promised to arrange things I felt as safe as a house.

Lady Frederick

I said I'd do my best, didn't I? And I told you not to worry.

Gerald

[Turning round suddenly.] Isn't it all right?

Lady Frederick

No, it's about as wrong as it can possibly be. I knew Cohen was staying here, and I thought I could get him to hold the bills over for a few days.

Gerald

And won't he?

Lady Frederick

He hasn't got them any more.

Gerald

[Startled.] What!

Lady Frederick

They've been negotiated, and he swears he doesn't know who has them.

Gerald

But who could have been such a fool?

Lady Frederick

I don't know, that's just the awful part of it. It was bad enough before. I knew the worst Cohen could do, but now… It couldn't be Paradine.

Gerald

And then there's Montgomerie.

Lady Frederick

I shall see him to-day.

Gerald

What are you going to say to him?

Lady Frederick

I haven't an idea. I'm rather frightened of him.

Gerald

You know, dear, if the worst comes to the worst…

Lady Frederick

Whatever happens you shall marry Rose. I promise you that.

[Paradine Fouldes appears.

Fouldes

May I come in?

Lady Frederick

[Gaily.] It's a public room. I don't see how we can possibly prevent you.

Gerald

I'm just going to take a stroll.

Lady Frederick

Do.

[He goes out.

Fouldes

Well? How are things going?

Lady Frederick

Quite well, thank you.

Fouldes

I've left Charlie with his mother. I hope you can spare him for a couple of hours.

Lady Frederick

I told him he must spend the afternoon with her. I don't approve of his neglecting his filial duty.

Fouldes

Ah!.. I saw Dick Cohen this morning.

Lady Frederick

[Quickly.] Did you?

Fouldes

It seems to interest you?

Lady Frederick

Not at all. Why should it?

Fouldes

[Smiling.] Nice little man, isn't he?

Lady Frederick

[Good humouredly.] I wish I had something to throw at you.

Fouldes

[With a laugh.] Well, I haven't got the confounded bills. I was too late.

Lady Frederick

Did you try?

Fouldes

Oh – yes, I thought it would interest Charlie to know how extremely needful it was for you to marry him.

Lady Frederick

Then who on earth has got them?

Fouldes

I haven't an idea, but they must make you very uncomfortable. Three thousand five hundred, eh?

Lady Frederick

Don't say it all at once. It sounds so much.

Fouldes

You wouldn't like to exchange those letters of Mereston's for seven thousand pounds, would you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] No.

Fouldes

Ah… By the way, d'you mind if I tell Charlie the full story of your – relations with me?

Lady Frederick

Why should I? It's not I who'll look ridiculous.

Fouldes

Thanks. I may avail myself of your permission.

Lady Frederick

I daresay you've noticed that Charlie has a very keen sense of humour.

Fouldes

If you're going to be disagreeable to me I shall go. [He stops.] I say, are you quite sure there's nothing else that can be brought up against you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Quite sure, thanks.

Fouldes

My sister's very jubilant to-day. What about the Bellingham affair?

Lady Frederick

Merely scandal, my friend.

Fouldes

Well, look out. She's a woman, and she'll stick at nothing.

Lady Frederick

I wonder why you warn me.

Fouldes

For the sake of old times, my dear.

Lady Frederick

You're growing sentimental, Paradine. It's the punishment which the gods inflict on a cynic when he grows old.

Fouldes

It may be, but for the life of me I can't forget that once —

Lady Frederick

[Interrupting.] My dear friend, don't rake up my lamentable past.

Fouldes

I don't think I've met any one so entirely devoid of sentiment as you are.

Lady Frederick

Let us agree that I have every vice under the sun and have done with it.

[A Servant comes in.]

Servant

Madame Claude wishes to see your ladyship.

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dressmaker.

Fouldes

Another bill?

Lady Frederick

That's the worst of Monte. One meets as many creditors as in Bond Street. Say I'm engaged.

Servant

Madame Claude says she will wait till miladi is free.

Fouldes

You make a mistake. One should always be polite to people whose bills one can't pay.

Lady Frederick

Show her in.

Servant

Yes, miladi.

[Exit Servant.

Fouldes

Is it a big one?

Lady Frederick

Oh, no; only seven hundred pounds.

Fouldes

By Jove.

Lady Frederick

My dear friend, one must dress. I can't go about in fig-leaves.

Fouldes

One can dress simply.

Lady Frederick

I do. That's why it costs so much.

Fouldes

You know, you're devilish extravagant.

Lady Frederick

I'm not. I'm content with the barest necessities of existence.

Fouldes

You've got a maid.

Lady Frederick

Of course I've got a maid. I was never taught to dress myself.

Fouldes

And you've got a footman.

Lady Frederick

I've always had a footman. And my mother always had a footman. I couldn't live a day without him.

Fouldes

What does he do for you?

Lady Frederick

He inspires confidence in tradesmen.

Fouldes

And you have the most expensive suite of rooms in the hotel.

Lady Frederick

I'm in such a dreadful mess. If I hadn't got nice rooms I should brood over it.

Fouldes

Then, as if that weren't enough, you fling your money away at the tables.

Lady Frederick

When you're as poor as I am, a few louis more or less can make absolutely no difference.

Fouldes

[With a laugh.] You're quite incorrigible.

Lady Frederick

It's really not my fault. I do try to be economical, but money slips through my fingers like water. I can't help it.

Fouldes

You want a sensible sort of a man to look after you.

Lady Frederick

I want a very rich sort of a man to look after me.

Fouldes

If you were my wife, I should advertise in the papers that I wasn't responsible for your debts.

Lady Frederick

If you were my husband, I'd advertise immediately underneath that I wasn't responsible for your manners.

Fouldes

I wonder why you're so reckless.

Lady Frederick

When my husband was alive I was so utterly wretched. And afterwards, when I looked forward to a little happiness, my boy died. Then I didn't care any more. I did everything I could to stupefy myself. I squandered money as other women take morphia – that's all.

Fouldes

It's the same dear scatter-brained, good-hearted Betsy that I used to know.

Lady Frederick

You're the only person who calls me Betsy now. To all the others I'm only Elizabeth.

Fouldes

Look here, what are you going to do with this dressmaker?

Lady Frederick

I don't know. I always trust to the inspiration of the moment.

Fouldes

She'll make a devil of a fuss, won't she?

Lady Frederick

Oh, no; I shall be quite nice to her.

Fouldes

I daresay. But won't she be very disagreeable to you?

Lady Frederick

You don't know what a way I have with my creditors.

Fouldes

I know it's not a paying way.

Lady Frederick

Isn't it? I bet you a hundred louis that I offer her the money and she refuses it.

Fouldes

I'll take that.

Lady Frederick

Here she is.

[Madame Claude enters, ushered in by the Servant. She is a stout, genteel person, very splendidly gowned, with a Cockney accent. Her face is set to sternness, decision to make a scene, and general sourness.

Servant

Madame Claude.

[Exit Servant. Lady Frederick goes up to her enthusiastically and takes both her hands.

Lady Frederick

Best of women. This is a joyful surprise.

Madame Claude

[Drawing herself up.] I 'eard quite by chance that your ladyship was at Monte.

Lady Frederick

So you came to see me at once. That was nice of you. You're the very person I wanted to see.

Madame Claude

[Significantly.] I'm glad of that, my lady, I must confess.

Lady Frederick

You dear creature. That's one advantage of Monte Carlo, one meets all one's friends. Do you know Mr. Fouldes? This is Madame Claude, an artist, my dear Paradine, a real artist.

Madame Claude

[Grimly.] I'm pleased that your ladyship should think so.

Fouldes

How d'you do.

Lady Frederick

Now, this gown. Look, look, look. In this skirt there's genius, mon cher. In the way it hangs my whole character is expressed. Observe the fullness of it, that indicates those admirable virtues which make me an ornament to Society, while the frill at the bottom just suggests those foibles – you can hardly call them faults – which add a certain grace and interest to my personality. And the flounce. Paradine, I beseech you to look at it carefully. I would sooner have designed this flounce than won the Battle of Waterloo.

Madame Claude

Your ladyship is very kind.

Lady Frederick

Not at all, not at all. You remember that rose chiffon. I wore it the other day, and the dear Archduchess came up to me and said: "My dear, my dear." I thought she was going to have a fit. But when she recovered she kissed me on both cheeks and said: "Lady Frederick, you have a dressmaker worth her weight in gold." You heard her, Paradine, didn't you?