But let me give you a solemn warning. You have a magnificent chance, dear boy, with all the advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you not to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. The field is clear and the British people are waiting for a leader. But remember that the British people like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust, versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly abhor. Look at the fate of poor Lord Parnaby. His urbanity gained him the premiership, but his brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes of the nation be safe with a man whose speeches were pointed and sparkling, whose mind was so quick, so agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play? Every one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and unsubstantial; we doubt his principles and we have grave fears about his morality. Take warning, my dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram never lighten the long periods of your speech nor the Attic salt flavour the roast beef of your conversation. Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable secret. Above all, if you have a sense of humour, crush it. Crush it.

Mereston

My dear uncle, you move me very much. I will be as stupid as an owl.

Fouldes

There's a good, brave boy.

Mereston

I will be heavy and tedious.

Fouldes

I see already the riband of the Garter adorning your shirt-front. Remember, there's no damned merit about that.

Mereston

None shall listen to my speeches without falling into a profound sleep.

Fouldes

[Seizing his hand.] The premiership itself is within your grasp.

Lady Mereston

Dear Paradine, let us take a stroll on the terrace before we go to bed.

Fouldes

And you shall softly whisper all the latest scandal in my ear.

[He puts on her cloak and they go out.

Lady Frederick

May I speak to you, Admiral?

Admiral

Certainly, certainly. What can I do for you?

[While Lady Frederick and the Admiral talk, the others go slowly out. Through the conversation she uses her Irish brogue.

Lady Frederick

Are you in a good temper?

Admiral

Fairly, fairly.

Lady Frederick

I'm glad of that because I want to make you a proposal of marriage.

Admiral

My dear Lady Frederick, you take me entirely by surprise.

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Not on my own behalf, you know.

Admiral

Oh, I see.

Lady Frederick

The fact is, my brother Gerald has asked your daughter to marry him, and she has accepted.

Admiral

Rose is a minx, Lady Frederick, and she's much too young to marry.

Lady Frederick

Now don't fly into a passion. We're going to talk it over quite calmly.

Admiral

I tell you I won't hear of it. The boy's penniless.

Lady Frederick

That's why it's so lucky you're rich.

Admiral

Eh?

Lady Frederick

You've been talking of buying a place in Ireland. You couldn't want anything nicer than Gerald's – gravel soil, you know. And you simply dote on Elizabethan architecture.

Admiral

I can't bear it.

Lady Frederick

How fortunate, then, that the house was burnt down in the eighteenth century and rebuilt in the best Georgian style.

Admiral

Ugh.

Lady Frederick

And you'd love to have little grandsons to dandle on your knee.

Admiral

How do I know they wouldn't be girls?

Lady Frederick

Oh, it's most unusual in our family.

Admiral

I tell you I won't hear of it.

Lady Frederick

You know, it's not bad to have the oldest baronetcy in the country but one.

Admiral

I suppose I shall have to pack Rose off to England.

Lady Frederick

And break her heart?

Admiral

Women's hearts are like old china, none the worse for a break or two.

Lady Frederick

Did you ever know my husband, Admiral?

Admiral

Yes.

Lady Frederick

I was married to him at seventeen because my mother thought it a good match, and I was desperately in love with another man. Before we'd been married a fortnight he came home blind drunk, and I had never seen a drunken man before. Then I found out he was a confirmed tippler. I was so ashamed. If you only knew what my life was for the ten years I lived with him. I've done a lot of foolish things in my time, but, my God, I have suffered.

Admiral

Yes, I know, I know.

Lady Frederick

And believe me, when two young things love one another it's better to let them marry. Love is so very rare in this world. One really ought to make the most of it when it's there.

Admiral

I'm very sorry, but I've made up my mind.

Lady Frederick

Ah, but won't you alter it – like Nelson. Don't be hard on Rose. She's really in love with Gerald. Do give them a chance. Won't you? Ah, do – there's a dear.

Admiral

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but Sir Gerald is about the most ineligible young man that I've ever come across.

Lady Frederick

[Triumphantly.] There, I knew we should agree. That's precisely what I told him this morning.

Admiral

I understand his place is heavily mortgaged.

Lady Frederick

No one will lend a penny more on it. If they would Gerald would borrow it at once.

Admiral

He's got nothing but his pay to live upon.

Lady Frederick

And his tastes are very extravagant.

Admiral

He's a gambler.

Lady Frederick

Yes, but then he's so good looking.

Admiral

Eh?

Lady Frederick

I'm glad that we agree so entirely about him. Now there's nothing left but to call the young things in, join their hands and give them our united blessing.

Admiral

Before I consent to this marriage, madam, I'll see your brother —

Lady Frederick

Damned?

Admiral

Yes, madam, damned.

Lady Frederick

Now listen to me quietly, will you?

Admiral

I should warn you, Lady Frederick, that when I once make up my mind about a thing, I never change it.

Lady Frederick

Now that is what I really admire. I like a man of character. You know, I've always been impressed by your strength and determination.

Admiral

I don't know about that. But when I say a thing, I do it.

Lady Frederick

Yes, I know. And in five minutes you're going to say that Gerald may marry your pretty Rose.

Admiral

No, no, no.

Lady Frederick

Now look here, don't be obstinate, I don't like you when you're obstinate.

Admiral

I'm not obstinate. I'm firm.

Lady Frederick

After all, Gerald has lots of good qualities. He's simply devoted to your daughter. He's been a little wild, but you know you wouldn't give much for a young man who hadn't.

Admiral

[Gruffly.] I don't want a milksop for a son-in-law.

Lady Frederick

As soon as he's married, he'll settle into a model country squire.

Admiral

Well, he's a gambler, and I can't get over that.

Lady Frederick

Shall he promise you never to play cards again? Now, don't be horrid. You don't want to make me utterly wretched, do you?

Admiral

[Unwillingly.] Well, I'll tell you what I'll do – they shall marry if he doesn't gamble for a year.

Lady Frederick

Oh, you duck. [She impulsively throws her arms round his neck and kisses him. He is a good deal taken aback.] I beg your pardon, I couldn't help it.

Admiral

I don't altogether object, you know.

Lady Frederick

Upon my word, in some ways you're rather fascinating.

Admiral

D'you think so, really?

Lady Frederick

I do indeed.

Admiral

I rather wish that proposal of marriage had been on your own behalf.

Lady Frederick

Ah, with me, dear Admiral, experience triumphs over hope. I must tell the children. [Calling.] Gerald, come here. Rose.

[Gerald and Rose come in.

Lady Frederick

I always knew your father was a perfect darling, Rose.

Rose

Oh, papa, you are a brick.

Admiral

I thoroughly disapprove of the marriage, my dear, but – it's not easy to say no to Lady Frederick.

Gerald

It's awfully good of you, Admiral, and I'll do my best to make Rose a ripping husband.

Admiral

Not so fast, young man, not so fast. There's a condition.

Rose

Oh, father!

Lady Frederick

Gerald is to behave himself for a year, and then you may marry.

Rose

But won't Gerald grow very dull if he behaves himself?

Lady Frederick

I have no doubt of it. But dullness is the first requisite of a good husband.

Admiral

Now you must pack off to bed, my dear. I'm going to smoke my pipe before turning in.

Rose

[Kissing Lady Frederick.] Good-night, dearest. I'll never forget your kindness.

Lady Frederick

You'd better not thank me till you've been married a few years.

Rose

[Holding out her hand to GERALD.] Good-night.

Gerald

[Taking it and looking at her.] Good-night.

Admiral

[Gruffly.] You may as well do it in front of my face as behind my back.

Rose

[Lifting up her lips.] Good-night.

[He kisses her, and the Admiral and Rose go out.

Lady Frederick

Oh lord, I wish I were eighteen.

[She sinks into a chair, and an expression of utter weariness comes over her face.

Gerald

I say, what's up?

Lady Frederick

[Starting.] I thought you'd gone. Nothing.

Gerald

Come, out with it.

Lady Frederick

Oh, my poor boy, if you only knew. I'm so worried that I don't know what on earth to do.

Gerald

Money?

Lady Frederick

Last year I made a solemn determination to be economical. And it's ruined me.

Gerald

My dear, how could it?

Lady Frederick

I can't make it out. It seems very unfair. The more I tried not to be extravagant, the more I spent.

Gerald

Can't you borrow?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] I have borrowed. That's just it.

Gerald

Well, borrow again.

Lady Frederick

I've tried to. But no one's such a fool as to lend me a penny.

Gerald

Did you say I'd sign anything they liked?

Lady Frederick

I was so desperate I said we'd both sign anything. It was Dick Cohen.

Gerald

Oh lord, what did he say?

Lady Frederick

[Imitating a Jewish accent.] What's the good of wathting a nithe clean sheet of paper, my dear lady?

Gerald

[Shouting with laughter.] By George, don't I know it.

Lady Frederick

For heaven's sake don't let's talk of my affairs. They're in such a state that if I think of them at all I shall have a violent fit of hysterics.

Gerald

But look here, what d'you really mean?

Lady Frederick

Well, if you want it – I owe my dressmaker seven hundred pounds, and last year I signed two horrid bills, one for fifteen hundred and the other for two thousand. They fall due the day after to-morrow, and if I can't raise the money I shall have to go through the Bankruptcy Court.

Gerald

By George, that's serious.

Lady Frederick

It's so serious that I can't help thinking something will happen. Whenever I've got in a really tight fix something has turned up and put me on my legs again. Last time, Aunt Elizabeth had an apoplectic fit. But of course it wasn't really very profitable because mourning is so desperately expensive.

Gerald

Why don't you marry?

Lady Frederick

Oh, my dear Gerald, you know I'm always unlucky at games of chance.

Gerald

Charlie Mereston's awfully gone on you.

Lady Frederick

That must be obvious to the meanest intelligence.

Gerald

Well, why don't you have him?

Lady Frederick

Good heavens, I'm old enough to be his mother.

Gerald

Nonsense. You're only ten years older than he is, and nowadays no nice young man marries a woman younger than himself.

Lady Frederick

He's such a good fellow. I couldn't do him a nasty turn like that.

Gerald

How about Montgomerie? He simply stinks of money, and he's not a bad sort.

Lady Frederick

[Surprised.] My dear boy, I hardly know him.

Gerald

Well, I'm afraid it means marriage or bankruptcy.

Lady Frederick

Here's Charlie. Take him away, there's a dear. I want to talk to Paradine.

Enter Paradine Fouldes with Mereston.

Fouldes

What, still here, Lady Frederick?

Lady Frederick

As large as life.

Fouldes

We've been taking a turn on the terrace.

Lady Frederick

[To Mereston.] And has your astute uncle been pumping you, Charlie?

Fouldes

Eh, what?

Mereston

I don't think he got much out of me.

Fouldes

[Good-naturedly.] All I wanted, dear boy. There's no one so transparent as the person who thinks he's devilish deep. By the way, what's the time?

Gerald

About eleven, isn't it?

Fouldes

Ah! How old are you, Charlie?

Mereston

Twenty-two.

Fouldes

Then it's high time you went to bed.

Lady Frederick

Charlie's not going to bed till I tell him. Are you?

Mereston

Of course not.

Fouldes

Has it escaped your acute intelligence, my friend, that I want to talk to Lady Frederick?

Mereston

Not at all. But I have no reason to believe that Lady Frederick wants to talk to you.

Gerald

Let's go and have a game of pills, Charlie.

Mereston

D'you want to be left alone with the old villain?

Fouldes

You show no respect for my dyed hairs, young man.

Lady Frederick

I've not seen him for years, you know.

Mereston

Oh, all right. I say, you're coming for a ride to-morrow, aren't you?

Lady Frederick

Certainly. But it must be in the afternoon.

Fouldes

I'm sorry, but Charles has arranged to motor me over to Nice in the afternoon.

Mereston

[To Lady Frederick.] That'll suit me A 1. I had an engagement, but it was quite unimportant.

Lady Frederick

Then that's settled. Good-night.

Mereston

Good-night.

[He goes out with Gerald. Lady Frederick turns and good-humouredly scrutinises Paradise Fouldes.

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

Well?

Lady Frederick

You wear excellently, Paradine.

Fouldes

Thanks.

Lady Frederick

How do you manage it?

Fouldes

By getting up late and never going to bed early, by eating whatever I like and drinking whenever I'm thirsty, by smoking strong cigars, taking no exercise, and refusing under any circumstances to be bored.

Lady Frederick

I'm sorry you had to leave town in such a hurry. Were you amusing yourself?

Fouldes

I come to the Riviera every year.

Lady Frederick

I daresay, but not so early.

Fouldes

I've never surrendered so far to middle age as to make habits.

Lady Frederick

My dear Paradine, the day before yesterday, Lady Mereston, quite distracted, went to the post office and sent you the following wire: "Come at once, your help urgently needed. Charlie in toils designing female, Maud." Am I right?

Fouldes

I never admit even to myself that a well-dressed woman is mistaken.

Lady Frederick

So you started post-haste, bent upon protecting your nephew, and were infinitely surprised to learn that the designing female was no other than your humble servant.

Fouldes

You'd be irresistible, Lady Frederick, if you didn't know you were so clever.

Lady Frederick

And now what are you going to do?

Fouldes

My dear lady, I'm not a police officer, but a very harmless, inoffensive old bachelor.

Lady Frederick

With more wiles than the mother of many daughters and the subtlety of a company promoter.

Fouldes

Maud seems to think that as I've racketted about a little in my time, I'm just the sort of man to deal with you. Set a thief to catch a thief, don't you know? She's rather fond of proverbs.

Lady Frederick

She should have thought rather of: When Greek meets Greek, then comes the tug of war. I hear Lady Mereston has been saying the most agreeable things about me.