Baron Munchausen Rides a Cannon Ball^[20]

During the war, I was able to ride not only horses, but also cannon balls. One day we were besieging a Turkish city, and our commander wanted to know if there were some guns in that city. But in all our army there was not a single brave man who could sneak into the enemy’s camp.

I was the bravest one, of course. I stood next to a big cannon that was firing. When the cannon ball flew out, I jumped on top of it and dashed forward. Everyone exclaimed:

“Bravo, Bravo, Baron Munchausen!

At first I flew with pleasure, but when the enemy’s city appeared in the distance, I became uneasy. How to get out of there? The enemies will catch me as a spy. No, dear Munchausen, you must go back before it’s too late!

At this moment the Turks fired a counter-ball^[21]. It was flying past me. So I got on it and flew back. Of course, during my flight, I carefully counted all the Turkish guns and brought our commander the most accurate information about the enemy’s artillery.

Baron Munchausen Pulls Himself out of a Mire by His Own Hair

Oh yes, during this war I had a lot of adventures. Once I was escaping from the Turks. I tried to jump over a mire on horseback. But the horse was not successful in it, and we fell down into the mire.

We began to sink. There was no escape. The mire sucked us deeper and deeper with terrible speed. My horse’s body disappeared in the stinking mud, my head was sinking as well. And only my pigtail was seen.

What to do? You know, gentlemen, about the amazing strength of my arms. I’m a strong man, indeed. I grabbed myself by this pigtail, and pulled up with all my strength. I pulled both myself and my horse out of the mire. I held my horse tightly with both feet, as if with tongs.

Yes, I lifted both myself and my horse, and if you think it is easy, try it yourself!

The Baron On The Moon

I was not always successful. I had the misfortune to be a prisoner of war; and, what is worse, I was sold for a slave. My daily task was not very hard and laborious, but rather irksome. It was to drive the Sultan’s bees every morning to their pasture-grounds, to attend them all the day long, and at night to drive them back to their hives.

One evening I missed a bee. Two bears caught it to tear it to pieces for the honey it carried. I had nothing in my hands but the silver hatchet, which the Sultan’s gardeners and farmers possessed. I threw it at the bears, with an intention to frighten them away. But the hatchet flew upwards, and continued rising till it reached the moon. How could I recover it? How could I fetch it down again?

I recollected that Turkey-beans^[22] grow very quick, and run up to an astonishing height. I planted one immediately; it grew, and actually fastened itself to the moon. I climbed up by it into the moon, where I safely arrived, and found my silver hatchet. I found it in a heap of chaff and chopped straw. I was about to return: but, alas! The heat of the sun dried up my bean; it was totally useless for my descent.

I began to twist a rope of that chopped straw. This I fastened to the moon, and slid down to the end of it. But the rope was short. The earth was far away. So I held myself fast with the left hand, and with the hatchet in my right, I cut the long, now useless end of the upper part. I tied it to the lower end, and it brought me down to the Sultan’s garden. I was four or five miles from the earth at least when it broke. I fell to the ground with such amazing violence, that I found myself in a hole nine fathoms deep at least. I did not know how to get out again. However, I dug steps with my finger-nails, and easily accomplished it.

A Balloon Over Constantinople

When I was in the service of the Turks, one morning, as I was admiring the beauty and serenity of the sky, I observed a globular substance in the air. It was about the size of a twelve-inch globe. I immediately took up my largest and longest barrel fowling-piece. I never travel without it. I charged it with a ball, and fired at the globe. Nothing happened. The object was at a great distance. I then put in a double quantity of powder, and five or six balls. This second attempt succeeded. All the balls tore one side open, and brought it down. Judge my surprise^[23] when a most elegant gilt car, with a man in it, and part of a roasted sheep fell within two yards of me. What a strange aerial traveller!

I took him on board (he was French). He was incapable of speaking; but after some time, however, he told me: “It began seven or eight days before, I cannot tell you exactly. I ascended from Cornwall, in the island of Great Britain, in the car, suspended from a very large balloon, and took a sheep with me – just for fun. Unfortunately, the wind changed within ten minutes after my ascent. I intended to land in Exeter, but I was driven towards the sea.

The hunger was terrible. On the third day, I killed the sheep for food. At that time I was above the moon, and the sun scorched my eyebrows. I placed the sheep in that part of the car where the sun had sufficient power. It was well roasted in about two hours. This was my food.”

Here he paused. When I told him the city before us was Constantinople, he seemed exceedingly affected.

“The cause,” added he, “of my long flight was the failure of a string which was fixed to a valve in the balloon. I did not let out the inflammable air. But you, my dear Baron, fired at the balloon, and I was saved.”

A Carriage in a Narrow Road

Peace was soon concluded with the Turks. I gained my liberty and left St. Petersburg. The winter was then so uncommonly severe all over Europe, that ever since the sun seems to be frost-bitten. I found myself in a very narrow lane. I asked the coachman to give a signal with his horn, that other travellers could see us in the narrow passage. He blew with all his might; but his endeavours were in vain. The horn was silent, which was unaccountable, and rather unfortunate. Soon after we saw another coach. It was coming the other way. However, I got out of my carriage, and placed it, wheels and all, upon my head. I then jumped over a hedge about nine feet high (which was rather difficult) into a field. I came out again by another jump into the road beyond the other carriage. I then went back for the horses, and placed one upon my head, and the other under my left arm. By the same means, I brought them to my coach, and proceeded to an inn. The horse under my arm expressed great dislike to that violent kind of motion. So I put its legs into my pockets. After we arrived at the inn my coachman and I refreshed ourselves. He hung his horn on a peg near the kitchen fire; I sat on the other side.

Suddenly we heard “tereng! tereng! teng! teng!” We looked round, and now found the reason why the coachman was not able to sound his horn. His tunes were frozen up in the horn, and came out now.

On a Voyage to North America

I embarked at Portsmouth in a first-rate English man-of-war^[24], of one hundred guns, and fourteen hundred men, for North America. Nothing worth relating happened till we arrived within three hundred leagues of the river St. Laurence. The ship struck with amazing force against (as we supposed) a rock. However, we could find no bottom, even with three hundred fathom. What made this circumstance the more wonderful, and indeed beyond all comprehension, was, that the violence of the shock was such that we lost our rudder. We broke our bowsprit in the middle, and split all our masts from top to bottom. Two of our masts went by the board. A poor fellow flew at least three leagues from the ship. But he fortunately saved his life. He held the tail of a large seagull. The bird brought him back, and lodged him on the very spot from whence he was thrown.

Another proof of the violence of the shock was the force with which the people between decks were driven against the floors above them. My head particularly was pressed into my stomach, where it continued some months before it recovered its natural situation.

We were all in a state of astonishment. But everything was suddenly explained by the appearance of a large whale. It was basking, asleep, within sixteen feet of the surface of the water. Our ship gave the whale some disturbance. This animal was so much displeased that he beat in all the gallery and part of the quarter-deck with his tail. Almost at the same instant it took the mainsheet anchor between its teeth, and ran away with the ship, at least sixty leagues, at the rate of twelve leagues an hour. Then fortunately the cable broke, and we lost both the whale and the anchor.

However, upon our return to Europe, some months after, we found the same whale within a few leagues of the same spot. It was floating dead upon the water. It measured above half a mile in length. We could take only a small quantity of such a monstrous animal on board. With much difficulty we cut off his head, where, to our great joy, we found the anchor, and above forty fathom of the cable. It was concealed on the left side of his mouth, just under his tongue. Perhaps this was the cause of his death.

This was the only extraordinary circumstance that happened on this voyage. One part of our distress, however, I want to forget. While the whale was running away with the ship, the ship sprung a leak^[25]. The water poured in so fast, that all our pumps could not save us: we were sinking. It was, however, my good fortune to discover it first. I found a large hole about a foot Diameter. And I sat down over it! So we were saved. My situation, while I sat there, was rather cool, but the carpenter soon relieved me.

The Baron Bathes in the Mediterranean

I was once in great danger in the Mediterranean. I was bathing in that pleasant sea near Marseilles one summer’s afternoon, when I discovered a very large fish, with huge jaws. It was approaching me with the greatest velocity. There was no time to lose. I could not avoid it. I immediately reduced myself to as small a size as possible: I closed my feet and placed my hands also near my sides. In that position I passed directly between its jaws, and into its stomach. I remained some time in total darkness, and comfortably warm, as you may imagine. I thought: it is necessary to give the fish some pain. And the fish will be glad to get rid of me^[26]. I had plenty of room, I played my pranks: tumbling, hop, step, and jump. Nothing disturbed the fish so much as the quick motion of my feet. I was attempting to dance a hornpipe. At last, the fish roared horridly, and stood up almost perpendicularly in the water. The fish exposed its head and shoulders. At that time, an Italian ship was passing by. The people on board saw the big fish. The sailor harpooned it in a few minutes. And it was brought on board.

The crew was consulting how to cut the fish up. They wanted to preserve the greatest quantity of oil. As I understood Italian, I was in most dreadful position. Their weapons could destroy me also! I stood as near the centre as possible, for there was room enough for a dozen men in this creature’s stomach. However, my fears were soon dispersed: the sailor began to open the bottom of the belly. As soon as I perceived a glimmering of light I called out lustily. I almost suffocated. The sailors were very astonished, when they heard a human voice from a fish. They were even more astonished, when a naked man walked upright out of its body. In short, gentlemen, I told them the whole story, and they were dumb with amazement.

Then I jumped into the sea to cleanse myself, I swam to my clothes, which lay on the shore. I was near four hours and a half confined in the stomach of this animal.

Wonderful Servants

So the ship that saved me was heading for the Turkish capital. The Italians saw that I was a remarkable man, and proposed me to stay with them. I agreed, and in a week we saw the Turkish coast.

The Turkish Sultan heard of my arrival. Of course he invited me to dine with him in his palace. He said:

“I am happy, my dear Munchausen, to welcome you here. I hope you are quite well. I know all your great heroic deeds, and I want to ask you a favour. It is a very difficult task that no one else can manage. But I know you are the most intelligent and resourceful person in the world. Can you go to Egypt immediately?”

“With pleasure!” I said. “I like to travel and I’m ready to go anywhere right now!”

The Sultan was very much pleased with my answer. He entrusted me with the task which must remain a secret. Therefore I cannot tell you about it. Yes, the Sultan himself confided a great secret to me, for he knew that I was the most reliable man in the world. I bowed and immediately set off^[27].

As soon as I left the Turkish capital, I came across a little man. He was running with unusual rapidity. Heavy weights were tied to his legs, and yet he flew like an arrow.

“Where are you going?” I asked him. “And why did you tie these weights to your legs?”

“Three minutes ago I was in Vienna,” the little man answered, “and now I am going to Constantinople to look for some job. I hung the weights not to run very fast, because I have time.”

I liked this amazing runner very much, and I took him into my service^[28]. So he followed me.

The next day we saw a man. He was lying on the ground and was listening to something.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I’m listening how the grass grows in the field,” he answered.

“Do you hear that?”

“Of course I do. It’s very easy!”

And I took this wonderful man into my service, too. We went on. Soon I saw a hunter with a rifle in his hand.

“Listen,” I said. “What are you shooting at? I can see neither animal nor bird here.”

“There was a sparrow on the roof of a bell-tower^[29] in Berlin, and I got it right in the eye^[30].”

You know how much I like hunting, gentlemen. Of course, I took this good hunter into my service. He was happy to follow me.

We passed many countries and cities, and we came to a big forest. There was a great man near the forest. He was holding a rope and he fastened the forest with loop.

“What are you carrying?” I asked.

“I want to chop wood, but I forgot my axe at home,” he said. “That’s why I’m carrying this forest.”

He pulled the rope, and the great oaks flew into the air and fell to the ground.

Needless to say, I took this strong man into my service as well.

When we were approaching Egypt, there was such a terrible storm that all our carriages and horses were all in a tumble.

We saw seven windmills, their wings were whirling very fast. And a man was lying on a hillock. He pinched his left nostril with a finger. When he saw us, he greeted me courteously, and the storm stopped.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I turn my master’s windmills,” he replied, “and I don’t want to break them. That’s why I don’t blow too hard: from one nostril only.”

“This man will be useful to me,” I thought, and took him into my service, too.

So, gentlemen, such wonderful men became my servants. And they served me well!

Chinese Wine

In Egypt, I soon completed the Sultan’s task. My resourcefulness helped me there, too. A week later, I returned to the Turkish capital with my extraordinary servants.

The Sultan was glad to see me back.

“You are cleverer than all my ministers, my dear Munchausen!” he said and shook my hand. “Come and dine with me today!”

The dinner was very delicious, but – alas! – there was no wine on the table. I was very much distressed, and the Sultan took me to his study after dinner. He opened a secret cupboard, and took out a bottle.

“This is the most excellent wine in the world, my dear Munchausen!” he said.

The wine was really good. But after the first sip, I said that in China the wine was better.

“My dear Munchausen!” the Sultan exclaimed. “I believe every word you say, because you are the most truthful man in the world, but I swear that you are not telling the truth now. This wine is the best!”

“No. I tasted better wine, indeed.”

“Munchausen, you are talking nonsense!”

“No, I am telling you the truth, and I will deliver you a bottle of wine from China in an hour. You will compare the bottles and see yourself.”

“Munchausen, you play with fire! Now I see that you are a shameless liar!”

“You can make certain of it^[31] yourself. I am telling the truth!”

“I agree!” the Sultan replied. “If you don’t bring me a bottle of the best wine in the world from China by four o’clock, I’ll have your head cut off

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