3
Aunt Agatha Speaks her Mind^[43]

To be honest, I can’t say I was sorry for Bingo. Less than a week after he had had the bad news I saw him dancing with some girl at Giro’s^[44].

Bingo is unsinkable. He never went down. When his little love-affairs are actually on, nobody could be more earnest; but once the girl has handed him his hat and begged him never to let her see him again, he is as merry as ever. I’ve seen it happen a dozen times.

So I didn’t worry about Bingo. Or about anything else, as a matter of fact. Life was wonderful. Everything seemed to be going right. Even three horses on which I’d invested a sizeable amount won instead of sitting down to rest in the middle of the race, as horses usually do when I’ve got money on them.

Added to this, the weather was excellent; Jeeves liked my new socks; and my Aunt Agatha had gone to France for at least six weeks. And, if you knew my Aunt Agatha, you’d agree that that alone was happiness enough for anyone.

One morning while I was having my bath, I began to sing like a bally nightingale. It seemed to me that everything was absolutely for the best in the best of all possible worlds.

But have you ever noticed a strange thing about life? When I dried myself and came into the sittingroom, I saw a letter from Aunt Agatha on the mantelpiece.

“Oh God!” I said when I’d read it.

“Sir?” said Jeeves.

“It’s from my Aunt Agatha, Jeeves. Mrs Gregson^[45], you know.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Ah, you wouldn’t speak in that careless tone if you knew what was in it,” I said with a hollow laugh. “The curse has come upon us, Jeeves. She wants me to go and join her at—what’s the name of the dashed place?—at Roville-sur-mer^[46]. Oh, damn it!”

“Packing, sir?”

“I suppose so.”

To people who don’t know my Aunt Agatha I find it extraordinarily difficult to explain why it I am afraid of her. I mean, I’m not dependent on her financially or anything like that. It’s simply personality. You see, all through my childhood and when I was a kid at school she was always able to turn me inside out^[47] with a single glance. If she said I had go to Roville, it was all decided. I must buy the tickets.

“What’s the idea, Jeeves? I wonder why she wants me.”

“I could not say, sir.”

Well, it was no good talking about it. I must go to Roville. At last I will able to wear my cummerbund I had bought six months ago. One of those silk contrivances, you know, which you tie round your waist instead of a waistcoat. To be honest, I did not wear it because I knew that there would be trouble with Jeeves. Still, at a place like Roville—with the gaiety and joie de vivre^[48] of France—it will be all right.

Roville, which I reached early in the morning is a nice health resort^[49] where a fellow without his aunts might spend a wonderful week. It is like all these French places, mainly sands and hotels and casinos. The hotel which had had the bad luck to draw Aunt Agatha was the Splendide^[50]. I’ve had experience of Aunt Agatha at hotels before. She knows how to deal with them. Of course, the real rough work was all over when I arrived, but I understood that she had started by having her first room changed because it hadn’t a southern exposure and her next because it had a creaking wardrobe and that she had said what she had thought about the cooking, the waiting, the chambermaiding and everything else. She was satisfied with this triumph, and she was almost motherly when we met.

“I am so glad you were able to come, Bertie,” she said. “The air will do you so much good. It’s better for you than to spend your time in stuffy London night clubs.”

“Oh, ah,” I said.

“You will meet some pleasant people, too. I want to introduce you to a miss Hemmingway^[51] and her brother, who have become great friends of mine. I am sure you will like Miss Hemmingway. A nice, quiet girl, so different from so many of the bold girls^[52] one meets in London nowadays. Her brother is curate at Chipley-in-the-Glen in Dorsetshire^[53]. A very good family. She is a charming girl.”

All these words were so unlike Aunt Agatha. I felt a suspicion. And I was right.

“Aline^[54] Hemmingway,” said Aunt Agatha, “is just the girl I should like to see you marry, Bertie. You ought to be thinking of getting married. Marriage might make something of you. And I could not wish you a better wife than dear Aline. She would be such a good influence in your life.”

“But, I say—” I began.

“Bertie!” said Aunt Agatha, dropping the motherly manner for a bit and giving me the cold eye.

“Yes, but I say—”

“It is young men like you, Bertie, who spoil the society. Cursed with too much money, you lead an idle selfishness life which might have been made useful, helpful and profitable. You do nothing but waste your time on frivolous pleasures. You are simply an anti-social animal, a drone. Bertie, it is imperative that you marry.”

“But—”

“Yes! You should have children to—”

“No, really, I say, please!” I said, blushing richly. Aunt Agatha belongs to two or three of these women’s clubs, and she often forgets she isn’t in the smoking-room^[55].

“Bertie,” she resumed. “Ah, here they are!” she said. “Aline, dear!”

And I perceived a girl and a fellow. They were smiling in a pleased sort of manner.

“I want you to meet my nephew, Bertie Wooster,” said Aunt Agatha. “He has just arrived. Such a surprise! I did not expect to meet him in Roville.”

I was feeling like a cat in the middle of a lot of hounds. An inner voice was whispering that Bertram^[56] was in trouble.

The brother was a small round man with a face rather like a sheep. He wore pince-nez^[57], his expression was benevolent, and he had on one of those collars which button at the back.

“Welcome to Roville, Mr Wooster,” he said.

“Oh, Sidney^[58]!” said the girl. “Doesn’t Mr Wooster remind you of Canon Blenkinsop^[59], who came to Chipley to preach last Easter?”

“My dear! The resemblance is most striking!”

They peered at me for a while as if I were something in a glass case, and I had a look at the girl. There’s no doubt about it, she was different from what Aunt Agatha had called the bold girls one meets in London nowadays. No bobbed hair^[60], no cigarette. I don’t know when I’ve met anybody who looked so respectable. She had on a kind of plain dress, and her hair was plain, and her face was sort of saintlike. I don’t pretend to be a Sherlock Holmes^[61] or anything of that order, but the moment I looked at her I said to myself, “The girl plays the organ in a village church!”

Well, we gazed at one another for a bit, and there was a certain amount of chit-chat^[62], and then I went away. But before I went I had been told to take brother and girl for a drive that afternoon. And the thought of it depressed me to such an extent that I felt there was only one thing to be done. I went straight back to my room, took out the cummerbund, and draped it round myself. I turned round and saw Jeeves.

“I beg your pardon, sir,” he said. “You are surely not proposing to appear in public in that thing?”

“The cummerbund?” I said in a careless way. “Oh, yes!”

“I should not advise it, sir, really I shouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“The effect, sir, is unpredictable.”

I looked at him. I mean to say, nobody knows better than I do that Jeeves is a master mind and all that, but, damn it, a fellow must call his soul his own. You can’t be a slave to your valet. Besides, I was feeling pretty low and the cummerbund was the only thing which could cheer me up.

“You know, the trouble with you, Jeeves,” I said, “is that you’re too—what’s the word I want?—too isolated. You can’t realize that you aren’t in Piccadilly^[63] all the time. In a place like this something colourful and poetic is expected of you. Why, I’ve just seen a fellow downstairs in a suit of yellow velvet.”

“Nevertheless, sir—”

“Jeeves,” I said firmly, “my mind is made up. I am feeling a little low-spirited^[64] and need cheering. Besides, what’s wrong with it? This cummerbund seems to me to be quite right. I consider that it has rather a Spanish effect. The old hidalgo and the bull fight.”

“Very good, sir^[65],” said Jeeves coldly.

If there’s one thing that upsets me, it’s unpleasantness in the home. Aunt Agatha, the Hemmingway girl … I felt though nobody loved me.

The drive that afternoon was boring as I had expected. The curate fellow prattled on of this and that; the girl admired the view; and I got a headache. I went back to my room to dress for dinner, feeling like a toad under the harrow. I tried to talk to Jeeves.

“I say, Jeeves,” I said.

“Sir?”

“Mix me some brandy and soda.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Jeeves, not too much soda.”

“Very good, sir.”

After it, I felt better.

“Jeeves,” I said.

“Sir?”

“I think I’m in a big trouble, Jeeves.”

“Indeed, sir?”

I looked at him. He still remembers the cummerbund.

“Yes,” I said, suppressing the pride of the Woosters. “Have you seen a girl here with a parson brother?”

“Miss Hemmingway, sir? Yes, sir.”

“Aunt Agatha wants me to marry her.”

“Indeed, sir?”

“Well, what about it?”

“Sir?”

“I mean, have you anything to suggest?”

“No, sir.”

His manner was very cold.

“Oh, well, tra-la-la!” I said.

“Precisely sir,” said Jeeves.

And that was all.

4
Pearls Mean Tears

I remember—it must have been when I was at school—reading a poem or something about something or other in which there was a line which went, “Shades of the prison house begin to close upon the growing boy.” During the next two weeks that’s exactly how it was with me. I mean to say, I could hear the wedding bells chiming faintly in the distance and getting louder and louder every day, and I could not imagine how to slide out of it. Jeeves, no doubt, was offended, and I couldn’t ask him directly. He could see easily enough that the young master was in a bad way and, if that wasn’t enough, well, it meant that the old feudal spirit was dead in his bosom and there was nothing to be done about it.

It was really funny how the Hemmingway family had taken to me^[66]. I wouldn’t have said that there was anything particularly fascinating about me—in fact, most people look on me as rather an ass; but this girl and her brother didn’t seem happy if they were away from me. In fact, I’d got into the habit now of retiring to my room when I wanted to rest a little. I got a rather decent suite on the third floor, looking down on to the promenade.

I had gone in my suite one evening and for the first time that day was feeling that life wasn’t so bad after all. Right through the day from lunch-time I’d had the Hemmingway girl nearby. The result was, as I looked down on the lighted promenade and saw all the people walking happily to dinner and the Casino, a kind of wistful feeling came over me. I thought how happy I could have been in this place if only Aunt Agatha and her friends had been elsewhere.

I heaved a sigh, and at that moment there was a knock at the door.

“Someone at the door, Jeeves,” I said.

“Yes, sir.”

He opened the door, and in came Aline Hemmingway and her brother. The last persons I had expected. I really had thought that I could be alone for a minute in my own room.

“Oh, hallo!” I said.

“Oh, Mr Wooster!” said the girl. “I don’t know how to begin.”

Then I noticed that she appeared shocked, and as for the brother, he looked like a sheep with a secret sorrow.

This made me sit up and take notice. I supposed that they had arrived to chat a little, but apparently something serious had happened.

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“Poor Sidney—it was my fault—I ought never to have let him go there alone,” said the girl, she was agitated.

At this point her brother gave a little cough^[67], like a sheep caught in the mist on a mountain top.

“The fact is, Mr Wooster,” he said, “a sad, a most deplorable thing has occurred. This afternoon, while you were so kindly escorting my sister, I found the time … I was tempted to—ah—gamble at the Casino.”

I looked at the man with respect. If only I’d known earlier that he went in for that sort of thing, I felt that we might have had a better time together.

“Oh!” I said. “Did you win?”

He sighed heavily.

“If you mean was I successful, I must answer in the negative. I thought that the colour red, having appeared no fewer than seven times in succession, must inevitably give place the colour black. I was in error. I lost everything, Mr Wooster.”

“Bad luck,” I said.

“I left the Casino,” proceeded the fellow, “and returned to the hotel. There I encountered one of my parishioners, Colonel Musgrave^[68]. I—er—asked him to cash me a cheque for one hundred pounds on my little account in my London bank.”

“Well, that was all to the good, eh?” I said. “I mean, you were lucky to find someone who gave you some money.”

“On the contrary, Mr Wooster, it made matters worse. I burn with shame, but I immediately went back to the Casino and lost the entire sum—this time under the mistaken supposition that the colour black would appear.”

“I say!” I said. “You are having a good time!”

“And,” concluded the fellow, “the most lamentable part of the whole affair is that I have no funds in the bank to meet the cheque when presented^[69].”