Lida became red and wanted to answer but at that moment Ivan came into the reception room. He carried something like a box for voting. Only the smaller size and was made from the other material not wood because it was light. Ivan came to a low little table with a transparent cover from the thick glass and put his box on it.
“What is it?” Lida asked with interest.
“By the way, are you afraid of anything?” Angelica laughed. “Are you sick? I bet you that it not a bomb!”
“Sure.” Ivan nodded. “It is our protective totem.”
“What is it?” Vera hesitated.
“Can you see that crack above?”
“Well, of course.” Arthur said.
“I guess Sergey's story had left nobody indifferent.”
“Why have you decided that?” Lida tried to put her hair in order nervously.
“I see it on your faces. You are thinking about something.You, Lida. You don’t tell me anything.” Ivan said softly. “I suggest you to overcome the fears. When I suffer from something, I act as follows myself. I write the fear on a paper and I burn it. Let’s burn the fears.”
“Burn fears?” Zhanna wondered. “How?”
“I shall carry the box in the next room. Put it on the table. There you can find clean white envelopes, pens and paper. Write your fear, put it in the envelope and throw it in the box. You will come in by turns, I understand that you hesitate. It is better to write it in loneliness …”
“And mind printed letters.” Arthur added.
“Why?” Vera asked again.
“Who knows what happens. I prefer anonymity.”
“Then we shall burn the sealed envelopes.” Ivan promised. “But you can really write printed letters. Or by the left hand.”
“Change the handwriting.” Arthur added smiling.
“Arthur is an optimist.” Ivan noticed. “He is always in a good mood. “
“I don’t understand why has he come here in general?” Angelica watched him expressively.
“Why? Oh, I’ve got the reason to come.” Arthur answered.” But I like the idea with the envelopes. To say truthfully I have also got my fear. And I dream to burn it.”
“I shall join this game with pleasure.” Angelica began to clap her hands.
“You are forty years old and you behave yourself as the little girl.” Lida revenged her.” It looks ridiculous.”
“Why do you think that I am forty?!”
“Ladies, calm down.” Ivan tried to stop them. “Lida, you quarrel with Angelica as she smokes towards you. Angelica, you know it and directly smoke to her side. Lida, it is evident. For Аngelica you now the weakest person and that’s why she attacks you. That’s your irritation, your anger. It is a weakness. Actually you are a kind woman, Lida. Why did you remind Angelica of her age knowing it will be so painful to her?”
“And she did the same. Well, that’s bad. You are right. I apologize.”
“Thanks.” Angelica answered.” I also apologize. But I am here the newcomer.”
“You are deep inside yourself.” Ivan smiled. “That’s right.”
“Are you going to comment all the situations?” Angelica asked.
“Some of them. My aim is to teach you to avoid conflicts. To be self-controlled means to own a situation. So have you got anything against it?”
“Do you mean against burning our fears?” Zhanna asked.
“Yes.”
“I am not against.” Sergey shrugged his shoulders.
“I agree.” Seva added.
“I have already showed my opinion.” Angelica noticed.
“Agree.” Arthur said at the same time.
“I support all of us.” Zhanna dropped quietly.
“And I do.” Vera said briefly.
“So, we have again the majority.” Lida signed. “I am not lucky today.”
“Well, let’s begin.”
Ivan left the room for a minute carrying the box in the next one. Seva sitting in an armchair said.
“In a circle, let’s begin with Sergey. Please.”
Sergey rose and slowly went to the door. Seva was to the left of him and took the pose as in a sport’s game preparing. As soon as Sergey had left he ran to the door.
“You are quick.” Vera noticed.
“Too quick.” Arthur added.
Seva stayed in the room only for a moment. He ran back and fell in his armchair. As if he did the duty, unpleasantly but fortunately as he had already done it. Zhanna rose from her armchair. While she went to a door Angelica looked at her figure. As she had noticed before, the girl was tall. Magnificent light hair shone on her shoulders, jeans fitted her very well.
“She could become a model.” Lida said suddenly catching that sight.
“It is not enough for a model.” Angelica answered.
“Not enough of what?”
“Everything!”
“Tell better that you envy her.”
“Ivan is looking at us. Do you want to become an object of his psychoanalysis again? I don’t.”
Zhanna returned quickly and Arthur was going to hide his fear in an envelope. Vera’s turn was after him. They were there equal quantity of time as if they had agreed. Lida stayed there the longest. And when she returned, Angelica asked her suspiciously:
“Have you read everything written by the others?”
Lida became red and Ivan noticed.
“It is impossible. Only I know how to open the box.”
“I was thinking!” Lida answered her angrily.
“Don’t think much!”
And Angelica jumped out of her armchair and slowly went out showing off her figure. Really she returned quickly. Angelica was the last, Ivan said.
“It is my turn. I shall bring the totem back.”
In a minute he returned with "the box" and put it on the low little table.
“Here there are your fears. We have almost got rid of them. We must burn them now.”
“And how shall we do it?” Zhanna asked.
“There is a metal tray in the kitchen. I shall open the box we take out envelopes on a tray and burn them.”
“And nobody knows what is written inside.” Arthur noticed smiling.
Sergey looked at his watch and offered.
“Perhaps, shall we have a break? One and a half hour has passed as we here. I suggest to make a break and then to continue. Then we will burn our fears.”
“I support!” Seva supported him with joy.
“I don’t mind to go out on a balcony to breath fresh air.” Angelica said dreaming.
“I also want the break.” said Lida. “I’ll go to the bathroom.”
And she touched her hair which was really in a disorder.
“At last you are in the majority.” Vera noticed. “I personally don’t need the break but if everybody insists so much …”
“So, by the majority of voices it is solved.” Ivan summed up. “We do a ten-minute break. We may breath in the balcony or smoke in the corridor or whatever.”
“I can make coffee.” Zhanna suggested.
“Perfect!” Arthur said with enthusiasm. “Zhanna, you are the best!”
“And I want coffee too.” Vera signed.
“Coffee and cigarettes.” Lida condemned them. “At night!”
“What’s wrong, darling?” Angelica asked. “If you don’t want, don’t drink! And I do with pleasure! And by the way you are alone again!”
“Does anybody else want coffee?” Ivan looked at them. They all kept silence. “It means seven cups of coffee. Zhanna, can I help you?”
“No, I shall try.” and the girl rose from the armchair.
“So, let’s have the break.”
Ivan also rose and said.
“I will go out for ten minutes to the cabinet as you are not against.”
And he went out the same time as Zhanna who moved to the kitchen. Angelica followed them then Vera and Lida, Sergey was with Arthur. Seva stayed alone.
In his childhood he needed love greatly. He was small, proud and lonely. He wanted to be hugged but he jumped aside from everybody who tried to do it. It seemed to him that all these people faked. So he grew up thinking that nobody loved him. And when he became an adult he began to feel absence of love in himself. Still proud and lonely, he avoided hugs as well as kisses and any open emothins. In childhood he had learned to laugh at everybody who kissed in public. He was shy about the aunt, she seemed old and very ugly and mum had been almost always busy, worked a lot with her private lessons and got tired much earlier than there came time of love. He was lack of the fairy tales at night, a parent kiss in a cheek and tender words “good night, dear". He was dreaming about it lying in bed with the open eyes waiting for his mother. He was thinking.
And finally he had had an idea that the most sensitive people were idlers. They had no problems at all. He understood that himself when he started to work all night long. In the underground watching people passing by with the indifferent faces he thought that people had blamed the century of cruelty in vain and soon it would be worse. People were stressful from unemployment. No free time and no will to earn money. They used the feelings of the others. The TV, show business, the Internet … All these were developing so quickly and at the same time the feelings were gone. They had no time for growing. His own feelings were as green as the wild apples. They had grown on a tree which was not taken cared of well and that’s why their taste was bitter.
In the childhood he wanted the creature so much, small creature to take care of and love. He thought as he was not loved, he would love himself. He wanted it greatly. It would be good to have the younger brother or the little sister but he could only dream about it. He wanted a cat or a dog. He was shy to feel the desire to patronize, protect and once asked.
“Mum, let’s have a dog.”
Mother refused. And she was right. The dog was a problem, very noisy. You needed to feed it, to walk with. “Let’s buy you small fishes, Sergey.” she offered and put her arm on his shoulder.
He didn’t want fishes. They were cold and silly. They looked very silly. But he agreed because they were alive. And they could somehow color his loneliness. He couldn’t like them but he felt it won’t be boring to have them. He could sit near the aquarium for hours watching fishes and trying to understand where they were swimming in the clear water. The water in the aquarium always was clear as he took care of that. And he was glad.
Then it began to seem that he had known everything about these fishes. Where they were swimming in pair seconds as well as they quickly rushed in and in some time fell asleep caught by his attentive sight. He liked himself to be the small Lord of the World who had created an inhabitancy of these creatures and supported their lives comfortable. Only on him they depended when they would be fed in the water and how they would be warmed by the light. Finally he could fry all of them. And stop their stupid fish existence.
Once mum was worried by his motionless sitting at the aquarium and asked.
“Sergey, is everything all right with you?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Is it really interested you to sit always close? Watching?”
“Yes. ”
“You are a strange child.”
“What is strange that I study fishes?”
“To study means to read about them. I have not seen on your table any books about them. Do you know what exactly they are from? What kind are they? Why have they got such color?”
“I know what they think. It does not depend on color and where they are from. They think about food.”
“Sergey! These are only fishes! They can’t think! They only swim!”
“All of them are swimming to that part where there can be food. Look at that little one. I bought him as he was the smallest. The rest I do not want to know. That is a pretty fish, Mum! Look, Mum! He is waiting when I shall throw food in water! Because his food is over! And he is still hungry! How beautiful he is but he is not quick. It seems he could not survive.”
“You will help him, won’t you? “
“Shall I put him in a separate aquarium? May be … But it is boring. I will think whether it’s worth or not.” he said it absolutely as an adult.
“You are a strange child.” repeated his Mum. “But you study well and I haven’t got any problems with you. Teachers praise you, they do not complain about. I think you are all right. What do you think?”
She looked at him attentively. He nodded.
“Yes. I feel well. I am healthy.”
“Okay.” Mum smiled. “Very soon you will become an adult and you will be excited by something else. Girls, for example. And you will forget about your fishes.”
She was not right. He of course was excited about girls. But they were not so much different from fishes. He almost always guessed their thoughts. They were attractive. He got them as the best fishes, the girl-friends and the rest he didn’t want to know. The one who feeds and changes water in an aquarium was special. Finally he could just fry them all. If he boiled the water all of them would be dead. Or he can block oxygen there and to watch them dying. It was amusing.
“Oh, Mum, Mum! You would better to buy me a dog!” he thought looking at people sitting in armchairs. All of them were fishes. They were floating where he wanted. They did not guess at all what will happen to them. And they believed in his "confession".”
If you wanted people believe you it would be better to tell the truth. But truth was like an iceberg the most dangerous part of which always stayed under water as well as your secret dreams. On a surface there stayed only one part. THEY were guilty. Their truth was hidden under water. He didn’t want to risk, to sympathize, to give an advice. In fact you couldn’t realize the sizes of the iceberg under the water.
They thought he was truthful. They knew nothing about the iceberg …
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