Casino Palma

Juan Torpedos and Yegor Podvalny have been tourists on the moon for several days. They arrived from Phobos. The inhabitants of Phobos were willingly allowed to the Moon without a visa, but the path to the Britain was closed to them. They liked to ride through the deep tunnels of the Moon from one casino to another and spend Britcoins, which they could easily get at any ATM of the Moon. The lights of the brillon advertising attracted them. This time they flew at a speed of 30 km per hour, which was maximum allowed for the Moon tunnels. They wanted something unusual. Seeing a tall palm tree at the entrance to a casino, Torpedos offered to stop.

"Look, a real palma!" – Torpedos said, – "let's take a look here."

“Why did you decide that it is real palma? Bananas grow on a real one, – and on this only a couple of tacos,” – answered the Podvalny.

"Not tacos, but coconuts, dunce! Tacos are beef and potato flavored briquettes,” – said Torpedos.

“And where are they made?”

"It is clear that on Mars. This is the birthplace of potatoes."

"How do you know? You were not on Mars."

“Have been told us at school,” – answered Torpedos.

“You were kicked out of first grade for behavior.”

"For that I had a good mark in physical education. Then where are grow the bananas?"

“It is known where, only in Britain, only it seems not on palm trees, I don’t remember exactly,” answered Podvalny, “the teacher of electromagnetic mathematics told us. I just forgot the place. There are many places, not like on the little Phobos."

“Don't make yourself a wise guy, Podvalny. You and I were at the same desk at school, and I don’t remember something like that."

“Well, this is one year we were sitting at the desk, and then you were not at the desk, but in the Kranty prison.”

"I did not sit long in prison. I deceived them all and they transferred me to a psychiatric hospital."

“You did not deceive them, Torpedos. You convinced them with your intellect."

"Good to be smart! We go to casino."

"And into which casino? There are two of them. Read the title."

"Casino with a palm tree. What is not clear here?"

"And what does it is written, what it is called?"

"It’s called – I’ll knock your eye out now."

"Okay, do not be angry, we are school sidekicks. Don't you understand jokes? Okay I park the capsule in the parking lot of Sobyaner. We have been told not to park on others"

"Otherwise what? How will they know?"

"I do not know. They say that there may be problems."

"What problems? Will not be returned a capsule? Then I’ll break them all parking lot into a trash," said Torpedos, and scratched his bald head with the thick fingers of a huge hand, the forearm muscles of which were slightly larger in diameter than the two legs of Podvalny.

"Well, when you are at the drive control – park as you like, and now I am at the drive control and I will follow the instructions,” – said Podvalny and drove the capsule on the Sobyaner parking lot.

Entering the casino, a spacious hall opened for their eyes. On pedestal was Bentley capsule. Idle people played roulette, others played cards with the croupier, and some preferred ‘one-armed cop’ machines.

"Podvalny, let's play the 'one-armed cop'?"

"You may play, and I'll go spin the roulette. There, just the place was vacated."

“Okay,” – said Torpedos, and looked around. Seeing a casino worker, Torpedos turned to him, “dude, how to play this device? Tell me the rules."

“It's very simple, dude,” – answered the clerk, – “everything is written in small print.”

“Well, read it to me. I came here to win, not read instructions."

"Dude, I’ll tell you everything as a keepsake. I've been working here for a long time. You throw Britcoins into that slit. When there are a certain number of them, the playing field is expanded into two parts. From one part of the coin fly into the casino pipe, and from the other part the same amount immediately into this pelvis. Then you rake into your pockets from this pelvis and all affairs. Consider that the casino is equally share with you and this is a win-win option. You’ll cut the dough as much as the casino. I guarantee you a win."

"Cool. And how many coins do I need to throw?"

"I'll tell you a secret, you need to throw six hundred coins and then your winnings. Agree, three hundred Britcoins is a good amount for a one-time win."

"I agree. And often somebody win here?"

“The dude left for Bentley last week. Usually once a week someone wins and drives off."

"Cool. Thanks dude. And on which device is it better to start?"

"I would start where a little has already been thrown. But if you are cool and you want to count how many coins you threw, it is better to throw where there is still no money."

"Really. I can count. It’s better to start from scratch,” – said Torpedos and began throwing Britcoins into the slit of the device.

At this time, Podvalny did not get bored either. He bet eight hundred Britcoins on Zero.

“Bets have been made, there are no more bets,” the croupier announced and only after that he started roulette. It was Moon Roulette and the game was without a ball. The wheel pointer was supposed to stop at one of the cells. While roulette was spinning, Podvalny looked around and noticed how Torpedos gladly throws coins into the machine.

"Probably he winnings. Fools are always lucky," – thought Podvalny and again stared at the roulette wheel.

The wheel has been spinning for five minutes and has not stopped at all.

“Why the wheel doesn't stop?” – Asked curious-worried Podvalny at the croupier.

"You see, it says here that Norma bearings are installed in the rotor. It is cool bearings."

"Yes, indeed. These are cool bearings and cool roulette. I heard they can rotate non-stop for twelve hours."

"Yes it is. A solid Company. On Britain, quality mechanisms are released. This is not a fake from Mars, which will fall apart in a week."

"Yes, it's a pity that I have to wait a long time to win."

"Well, some are waiting. These are usually very rich people. They have a lot of time and have nowhere to rush."

"I agree, when there is a lot of money, then there is no need to rush anywhere. And when will the wheel stop approximately?"

“Well, I'm not a charlatan and some kind of visionary. Everything depends on luck here,” – the croupier answered and settled himself comfortably in the chair.

"Got it. Well, I'll wait."

A minute later, a pretty brunette with a glass of wine approached to Podvalny.

"Young man, do not treat the lady with a cigarette? She asked.

“Of course I will, I have a couple of cigarettes in the nest. Do you play too?"

“Yes, I usually lose to all machines and to roulette,” the lady said, lighting a cigarette and then continued, “to wait a long time to win at roulette. Usually I lose everything and then go to the card table. Nobody has ever remained there without a win. But this is the secret of casino. They themselves sometimes play there to replenish stocks of money."

"Wow! Where is this table or is it at any table?"

"No, only that," – said smoking lady and pointed by cigarette to a table with three chairs, on one of which the croupier was sitting.

“Yes, but I put eight hundred Britcoins here on Zero.” If I leave, I’ll be credited with a loss.

"It’s better to win a hundred Britcoins quickly than wait until the morning to win roulette. And playing cards is not expensive. One game costs only fifty Britcoins, and a win can be from one hundred to ten thousand per game. Well, that’s if you, of course, have fifty Britcoins. But I immediately noticed that you are not from the poor rogues. I like confident men. What is your name?

"Yegor," – answered Podvalny.

"Very nice. I am Lucy. I’m not here for long, but I’ll always have time for you."

"Yes, Lucy. I like to play cards and usually win. I usually don’t count money, and also lose it easily. Are you taking me to the table?"

"Of course, handsome. Only there you need to play with a partner. You will not play against lady? Isn't it?"

"Of course. I have a partner. Now I will take him from the 'one-armed cops'," – said Podvalny, and headed to Juan. Lucy followed him.

"Well, how are you?" – Yegor asked, looking at a bunch of coins in the machine and then into the gambling eyes of Torpedos.

"Yes, so far everything is according to plan. Already five hundred Britoins abandoned. It remains to throw in the slit a hundred."

"And then what?"

"Then – a guaranteed win. The device takes only half. Not like in other casinos where you can lose everything."

"Come on! There you can play cards faster. How much will the gain be here?"

“Three hundred Britcoins,” – said Torpedos.

Podvalny smirked, and, trying to impress Lucy, he said, – “because of these kopecks you will choked. Let's go to quickly win in cards. This is the best option in the entire casino."

"Oh well. I’m really tired of stuffing coins there,” – said Torpedos and they all went to the gambling table.

Sitting opposite each other, the croupier announced the rules of the game to them, – "this is the game Royal Woodpecker. The rules are the same as in Azi, but the woodpecker is royal. Well, of course, the winnings will be royal. We do not let everyone to play at this table. Well, can I give out cards?"

“Give it out,” – answered Podvalny.

“So,” – said the croupier, – “first you need to pay the game for fifty Britcoins and then I’ll open a new deck of cards.”

“Come on, Torpedos, get out the money, I blew my money in roulette,” – said Podvalny.

Torpedos reluctantly pulled out 50 Britcoins and dumped them for croupier. Croupier moved them into the cell, opened the valve and they flew down the pipe into the ownership of the casino. Then the croupier opened a new deck of cards, thoroughly mixed them and began to distribute.

“Waiter, come here,” – said Lucy.

The waiter with a bottle of modernized wine on a tray quickly came up and bowed.

“Yegorushka,” – said Lucy to Yegor, – “do you want to drink moon wine and quench your thirst?”

“Yes, of course Lucy.”

The waiter poured wine into a glass and handed it to Podvalny. Podvalny sipped and began to look at the cards. Torpedos also began to study his cards and wrinkle his forehead. His bald spot glistened with sweat. He was very physically fit and was one meter and ninety tall. In this he stood out from the rest of the tourists and indigenous inhabitants of the moon.

The waiter coughed.

"What's the matter?" – asked Podvalny.

“There are fifty Britcoins from you,” – the waiter said.

“Torpedos, give him money, I'll give it to you later,” – said Podvalny, and turning to Lucy, he continued, “I left mine on the piano.”

Torpedos reluctantly paid and waiter left them.

“Boys,” – said Lucy, – “I need to step aside for a minute too. Don't get bored.”

After that, Lucy smiled at Podvalny, and disappeared.

“Make bets, gentlemen,” – said croupier.

“Six hundred Britcoins,” – said Torpedos.

"Do you have? Show me."

"Well, at home there."

“It's not yours, but ours two thousand for business.”

"Well, ours. So, one thousand is mine, another thousand is yours. What's wrong? This is logical. You are responsible for one thousand, I am for another."

"Right. You think logically. Then I raise it to thousand."

"Okay. Are we playing?"

"We play. I'm coming in. I have a deuce crosses,” – said Podvalny.

“Come in, don’t come in, it makes no difference to me,” – said Torpedos and opened his cards. “You see, I have a royal woodpecker. You lose."

“Like you are lucky,” – said Podvalny and got up from the table. "Well, now my thousand is also yours, and you will be responsible for it instead of me. This is logical. I used responsible, but now will you. Now you have two thousand under your responsibility."

“This is logical,” said Torpedos, and also got up from the table. “Where is your lady?”

“Looks like she threw me,” – answered Podvalny, looking around.

"Why do you think so?"

"I guessed. Because I'm intelligent bastard."

“You are really bastard. I don't mind,” – said Torpedos.

"Well, in this casino we are unlucky today."

"Yes, Podvalny, we’d better go to visit brothel."

"Do you have money?"

"In the capsule in the glove compartment, another hundred and twenty Britcoins. So today we are still walking."

Then friends left casino Palma and go out to the central tunnel. They took their capsule from the parking lot.

“And where is the nearest brothel?” – asked Podvalny.

"I studied all brothels on the map. The nearest brothel Monica".

"Well then, you sit down at the control panel. All cards in your hands. And money rushing to you today. Consider that you cut down a thousand Britcoins.

"I cut down the money, but I can’t spend it."

“Yes,” answered Podvalny, “we have such a job. Well, let's go have some fun."

The capsule gently gained speed and moved along the main tunnel, then after a while turned into a small tunnel and continued moving. Signs of various establishments shone on either side, and there were Kuafers and fashion designers and beauty salons, a chain of various cafes, cinematographs and snack bars. Finally, wanderers noticed a sign of the Monica brothel at the Hotel Idiot. At the entrance they were met by a young man in a baseball cap with the inscription 'Idiot.'

“Gentlemen,”– the young man appealed Juan and Yegor, who had left capsule, – “the receptionist leads you to the reception desk, and if you wish, to the brothel, and I have to park your capsule. Do not turn off the engine, please.

"Of course, dude. Girls are good here?” – asked Torpedos.

“Yes, sir, they are good,” – the young man answered, and taking off his baseball cap, handed it to Torpedos with the words, – “this is a gift from the establishment. In it you will be welcomed as a regular customer."

Then the young man sat down in a capsule and slowly drove it to the nearby small tunnel.

Juan in baseball cap 'Idiot' and Yegor went into hotel vestibule. Seeing inscription 'Bordello Monica' on one of the doors, they went straight there. They were met by drone Monica, – "gentlemen, we glad to see you in Monica's brothel. You need to pay two entrance tickets for ten Britcoins and you can choose a girls."

“Pay, come on,” – Podvalny turned to Torpedos.

Torpedos counted out Britcoins and lowered them into the coin acceptor. Music began to play on the device, and applause sounded, then two tickets popped out of slot. They had a date, a price and the inscription "Monica brothel".

“And what to do with it now?” – asked Torpedos the drone Monica.

"Keep it as a keepsake or hand it over to your bookkeeping department if you are on a business trip. Now you can choose the girls."

Drone Monica flew up to the mezzanine and with two manipulators took a couple of boxes from the top shelf. Then she returned to the visitors and laid the boxes on the counter in front of them. On one of the boxes was a picture of Monica, on the other – Marilyn.

“What is it?” – asked Torpedos.

“These are girls, they need to be inflated. Clients must inflate them themselves to the degree of elasticity they need. On the back of the box there’s scheme a hole pattern,” – said drone Monica.

Torpedos took the box from Marilyn and turned it over. There was a scheme already pouted Marilyn.

“And where to blow here?” – asked Torpedos.

“Into that hole,” answered drone Monica, pointing by her manipulator at the diagram.

“I won’t blow here,” said Torpedos and looked questioningly at Podvalny.

"Do you have any live girls?" – Asked Podvalny from drone Monica.

"Of course have! We are a three-star brothel! We now have a virgin from Venus. I just don’t know if it will suit you."

"Why not? What's wrong with her?" – asked Torpedos.

"Everything is fine with her, but she, like all the inhabitants of Venus, is covered with a scaly shell. You will not break it."

"And what, do you have guests from Venus?"

"No, they are all on harvesting potatoes on Mars. But we keep one girl just in case. And without her, we would not have been given a third star."

“Something I don't want these girls anymore,” – said Podvalny to Torpedos, “we’d better go to MacDonald’s Cheburechny. I have been told they make on the Moon briquettes with taste pelmeni and sour cream. In these Cheburechny you know in advance what you will get for your Britcoins."

Juan and Yegor looked around and left the brothel. The hotel hall was not crowded. Then they left the hotel to the main tunnel and were going to ride in their capsule to MacDonald’s Cheburechny. But parking attendant who gave Torpedos a baseball cap was gone.

“We need to ask at the reception hotel where their parking attendant had gone,” – Podvalny said, and they returned back to the hotel.

Going to the reception, Torpedos asked, – “Where's your parking attendant?”

“We never had a parking attendant,” – the heavily made-up hotel employee answered.

"And who then gave me this baseball cap at the entrance to your hotel?"

“How do I know?”

“But the baseball cap says Idiot, the name of your hotel,” – said Podvalny.

“They are being sold near that counter,” – the girl said and pointed to a kiosk in the hotel lobby, “anyone can buy it.”

“Let's go look for a capsule in the tunnel,” said Torpedos to Podvalny, “I saw that dude turn into a small tunnel. Maybe she is somewhere nearby."

They went out into the main tunnel and noticed a person approaching them from the opposite side. The man stopped in front of the tourists and said, – "if there are problems, please contact. I am a private detective, Alfred Bespyatov. My office is in front of Hotel."