LADY FREDERICK

CHARACTERS

Lady Frederick Berolles

Sir Gerald O'Mara

Mr. Paradine Fouldes

Marchioness of Mereston

Marquess of Mereston

Admiral Carlisle

Rose

Lady Frederick's Dressmaker

Lady Frederick's Footman

Lady Frederick's Maid

Thompson

A Waiter at the Hotel Splendide

Time: The Present Day

Acts I and II —Drawing-room at the Hotel Splendide, Monte Carlo.

Act III —Lady Frederick's Dressing-Room.

The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and permission to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, must be obtained in advance from the author's Sole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 20 Green Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., from whom all particulars can be obtained

THE FIRST ACT

Scene: Drawing-room of the Hotel Splendide at Monte Carlo. A large, handsomely furnished room, with doors right and left, and French windows at the back leading to a terrace. Through these is seen the starry southern night. On one side is a piano, on the other a table with papers neatly laid out on it. There is a lighted stove.

Lady Mereston, in evening dress, rather magnificently attired, is reading the papers. She is a handsome woman of forty. She puts down the paper impatiently and rings the bell. A servant answers. He has a French accent.

Lady Mereston

Did Mr. Paradine Fouldes come this evening?

Servant

Yes, miladi.

Lady Mereston

Is he in the hotel now?

Servant

Yes, miladi.

Lady Mereston

Will you send some one up to his room to say I'm waiting to see him?

Servant

Pardon, miladi, but the gentleman say 'e was on no account to be disturbed.

Lady Mereston

Nonsense. Mr. Fouldes is my brother. You must go to him immediately.

Servant

Mr. Fouldes his valet is in the 'all. Will your ladyship speak with him?

Lady Mereston

Mr. Fouldes is more difficult to see than a cabinet minister. Send his servant to me.

Servant

Very good, miladi.

[Exit Servant, and presently Thompson, Mr. Fouldes' man, comes in.

Thompson

Your ladyship wished to see me.

Lady Mereston

Good evening, Thompson. I hope you had a comfortable journey.

Thompson

Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes always has a comfortable journey.

Lady Mereston

Was the sea calm when you crossed?

Thompson

Yes, my lady. Mr. Fouldes would look upon it as a great liberty if the sea was not calm.

Lady Mereston

Will you tell Mr. Fouldes that I should like to see him at once?

Thompson

[Looking at his watch.] Excuse me, my lady, but Mr. Fouldes said no one was to disturb him till ten o'clock. It's more than my place is worth to go to him at five minutes to.

Lady Mereston

But what on earth's he doing?

Thompson

I don't know at all, my lady.

Lady Mereston

How long have you been with Mr. Fouldes?

Thompson

Twenty-five years, my lady.

Lady Mereston

I should have thought you knew how he spent every minute of his day.

[Paradine comes in. He is a very well-dressed man of forty-odd. Self-possessed, worldly, urbane. He is never at a loss or put out of countenance. He overhears Lady Mereston's last words.

Fouldes

When I engaged Thompson I told him the first thing he must learn was the very difficult feat of keeping his eyes open and shut at one and the same time.

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, I've been waiting to see you for the last two hours. How tiresome you are.

Fouldes

You may give me a kiss, Maud, but don't be rough.

Lady Mereston

[Kissing his cheek.] You ridiculous creature. You really might have come to see me at once.

Fouldes

My dear, you cannot grudge me a little repose after a long and tedious journey. I had to repair the ravages to my person caused by twenty-seven hours in the train.

Lady Mereston

Don't be so absurd. I'm sure your person is never ravished.

Fouldes

Ravaged, my dear, ravaged. I should look upon it as an affectation at my age if I were not a little upset by the journey from London to Monte Carlo.

Lady Mereston

I'll be bound you ate a very hearty dinner.

Fouldes

Thompson, did I eat any dinner at all?

Thompson

[Stolidly.] Soup, sir.

Fouldes

I remember looking at it.

Thompson

Fish, sir.

Fouldes

I trifled with a fried sole.

Thompson

Bouchées à la Reine, sir.

Fouldes

They have left absolutely no impression upon me.

Thompson

Tournedos à la Splendide.

Fouldes

They were distinctly tough, Thompson. You must lodge a complaint in the proper quarter.

Thompson

Roast pheasant, sir.

Fouldes

Yes, yes, now you mention it, I do remember the pheasant.

Thompson

Chocolate ice, sir.

Fouldes

It was too cold, Thompson. It was distinctly too cold.

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, I think you dined uncommonly well.

Fouldes

I have reached an age when love, ambition and wealth pale into insignificance beside a really well-grilled steak. That'll do, Thompson.

Thompson

Very well, sir.

[He goes out.

Lady Mereston

It's too bad of you, Paradine, to devour a substantial meal when I'm eating out my very heart with anxiety.

Fouldes

It seems to agree with you very well. I've not seen you look better for years.

Lady Mereston

For heaven's sake be serious and listen to me.

Fouldes

I started immediately I got your telegram. Pray tell me what I can do for you?

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, Charlie's head over ears in love.

Fouldes

It's not altogether an unexpected condition for a young man of twenty-two. If the lady's respectable, marry him and resign yourself to being a dowager. If she's not, give her five hundred pounds and pack her off to Paris or London or wherever else she habitually practises her arts and graces.

Lady Mereston

I wish I could. But who d'you think it is?

Fouldes

My dear, there's nothing I detest more than riddles. I can imagine quite a number of fair ladies who would look without disdain upon a young marquess with fifty thousand a year.

Lady Mereston

Lady Frederick Berolles.

Fouldes

By Jupiter!

Lady Mereston

She's fifteen years older than he is.

Fouldes

Then she's not old enough to be his mother, which is a distinct advantage.

Lady Mereston

She dyes her hair.

Fouldes

She dyes it uncommonly well.

Lady Mereston

She paints.

Fouldes

Much better than a Royal Academician.

Lady Mereston

And poor Charlie's simply infatuated. He rides with her all the morning, motors with her all the afternoon, and gambles with her half the night. I never see him.

Fouldes

But why should you think Lady Frederick cares two straws for him?

Lady Mereston

Don't be ridiculous, Paradine. Every one knows she hasn't a penny, and she's crippled with debts.

Fouldes

One has to keep up appearances in this world. Life nowadays for the woman of fashion is a dilemma of which one horn is the Bankruptcy Court and the other – dear Sir Francis Jeune.

Lady Mereston

I wish I knew how she manages to dress so beautifully. It's one of the injustices of fate that clothes only hang on a woman really well when she's lost every shred of reputation.

Fouldes

My dear, you must console yourself with the thought that she'll probably frizzle for it hereafter.

Lady Mereston

I hope I'm not wicked, Paradine, but to wear draperies and wings in the next world offers me no compensation for looking dowdy in a Paquin gown in this.

Fouldes

I surmised she was on the verge of bankruptcy when I heard she'd bought a new motor. And you seriously think Charlie wants to marry her?

Lady Mereston

I'm sure of it.

Fouldes

And what d'you want me to do?

Lady Mereston

Good heavens, I want you to prevent it. After all he has a magnificent position; he's got every chance of making a career for himself. There's no reason why he shouldn't be Prime Minister – it's not fair to the boy to let him marry a woman like that.

Fouldes

Of course you know Lady Frederick?

Lady Mereston

My dear Paradine, we're the greatest friends. You don't suppose I'm going to give her the advantage of quarrelling with me. I think I shall ask her to luncheon to meet you.

Fouldes

Women have such an advantage over men in affairs of this sort. They're troubled by no scruples, and, like George Washington, never hesitate to lie.

Lady Mereston

I look upon her as an abandoned creature, and I tell you frankly I shall stop at nothing to save my son from her clutches.

Fouldes

Only a thoroughly good woman could so calmly announce her intention of using the crookedest ways to gain her ends.

Lady Mereston

[Looking at him.] There must be some incident in her career which she wouldn't like raked up. If we could only get hold of that…

Fouldes

[Blandly.] How d'you imagine I can help you?

Lady Mereston

A reformed burglar is always the best detective.

Fouldes

My dear, I wish you could be frank without being sententious.

Lady Mereston

You've run through two fortunes, and if we all got our deserts you would be starving now instead of being richer than ever.

Fouldes

My second cousins have a knack of dying at the psychological moment.

Lady Mereston

You've been a horrid, dissipated wretch all your life, and heaven knows the disreputable people who've been your bosom friends.

Fouldes

With my knowledge of the world and your entire lack of scruple we should certainly be a match for one defenceless woman.

Lady Mereston

[Looking at him sharply.] Common report says that at one time you were very much in love with her.

Fouldes

Common report is an ass whose long ears only catch its own braying.

Lady Mereston

I was wondering how far things went. If you could tell Charlie of the relations between you…

Fouldes

My good Maud, there were no relations – unfortunately.

Lady Mereston

Poor George was very uneasy about you at the time.

Fouldes

Your deceased husband, being a strictly religious man, made a point of believing the worst about his neighbours.

Lady Mereston

Don't, Paradine; I know you didn't like one another, but remember that I loved him with all my heart. I shall never get over his death.

Fouldes

My dear girl, you know I didn't mean to wound you.

Lady Mereston

After all, it was largely your fault. He was deeply religious, and as the president of the Broad Church Union he couldn't countenance your mode of life.

Fouldes

[With great unction.] Thank God in my day I've been a miserable sinner!

Lady Mereston

[Laughing.] You're quite incurable, Paradine. But you will help me now. Since his father's death, the boy and I have lived a very retired life, and now we're quite helpless. It would break my heart if Charlie married that woman.

Fouldes

I'll do my best. I think I can promise you that nothing will come of it.

[The door is flung open, and Lady Frederick enters, followed by Mereston, a young boyish man of twenty-two; by her brother, Sir Gerald O'Mara, a handsome fellow of six-and-twenty; by Captain Montgomerie, Admiral Carlisle, and Rose, his daughter. Lady Frederick is a handsome Irish woman of thirty to thirty-five, beautifully dressed. She is very vivacious, and light-hearted. She has all the Irish recklessness and unconcern for the morrow. Whenever she wants to get round anybody she falls into an Irish brogue, and then, as she knows very well, she is quite irresistible. Captain Montgomerie is a polished, well-groomed man of thirty-five, with suave manners. The Admiral is bluff and downright. Rose is a pretty ingénue of nineteen.

Lady Mereston

Here they are.

Lady Frederick

[Enthusiastically going to him with open arms.] Paradine! Paradine! Paradine!

Mererston

Oh, my prophetic soul, mine uncle!

Fouldes

[Shaking hands with Lady Frederick.] I heard you were at the Casino.

Lady Frederick

Charlie lost all his money, so I brought him away.

Lady Mereston

I wish you wouldn't gamble, Charlie dear.

Mererston

My dear mother, I've only lost ten thousand francs.

Lady Frederick

[To Paradine Fouldes.] I see you're in your usual robust health.

Fouldes

You needn't throw it in my face. I shall probably be very unwell to-morrow.

Lady Frederick

D'you know Admiral Carlisle? This is my brother Gerald.

Fouldes

[Shaking hands.] How d'you do?

Lady Frederick

[Introducing.] Captain Montgomerie.

Captain Montgomerie

I think we've met before.

Fouldes

I'm very pleased to hear it. How d'you do. [To Mererston.] Are you having a good time in Monte Carlo, Charles?

Mererston

A 1, thanks.

Fouldes

And what do you do with yourself?

Mererston

Oh, hang about generally, you know – and there's always the tables.

Fouldes

That's right, my boy; I'm glad to see that you prepare yourself properly for your duties as a hereditary legislator.

Mererston

[Laughing.] Oh, shut it, Uncle Paradine.

Fouldes

I rejoice also to find that you have already a certain command of the vernacular.

Mererston

Well, if you can browbeat a London cabby and hold your own in repartee with a barmaid, it oughtn't to be difficult to get on all right in the House of Lords.

Fouldes

But let me give you a solemn warning. You have a magnificent chance, dear boy, with all the advantages of wealth and station. I beseech you not to throw it away by any exhibition of talent. The field is clear and the British people are waiting for a leader. But remember that the British people like their leaders dull. Capacity they mistrust, versatility they cannot bear, and wit they utterly abhor. Look at the fate of poor Lord Parnaby. His urbanity gained him the premiership, but his brilliancy overthrew him. How could the fortunes of the nation be safe with a man whose speeches were pointed and sparkling, whose mind was so quick, so agile, that it reminded you of a fencer's play? Every one is agreed that Lord Parnaby is flippant and unsubstantial; we doubt his principles and we have grave fears about his morality. Take warning, my dear boy, take warning. Let the sprightly epigram never lighten the long periods of your speech nor the Attic salt flavour the roast beef of your conversation. Be careful that your metaphors show no imagination and conceal your brains as you would a discreditable secret. Above all, if you have a sense of humour, crush it. Crush it.