Автор:

Lise Bourbeau

Оригинальное название:

Amour – Amour – Amour. La puissance de l’acceptation

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What is true, unconditional love?

We call a great variety of relationships love, though they are not really love.

1. Pity and devotion, which are more often the result of a sense of duty, guilt or fear rather than love.

2. Passion and expressiveness. In such a relationship, one feels good only when the object of his or her passion is nearby. To achieve this, one tries to control the behavior of the other. One cannot accept that the other person is independent and self-sufficient. Such uncontrollable passion can ruin both people’s lives.

In addition, if one always looks for passion, it is impossible for him or her to get enough of it. In long-term relationships, it gradually subsides, and if one begins to look for new objects of passion, new partners, he or she destroys the connection with those who are nearby.

3. Strong affection, when one cannot be happy if his or her loved one is unhappy. As a result, striving to be happy, one tries to make the other person happy first (the one on whom his or her own state depends). That means that one partner imposes his or her will on the other partner and gets possessive.

Have the ability to be happy even when your loved ones are unhappy may seem selfish. But by giving up our happiness, we do not make others happier, we only become unhappy ourselves.

Real selfishness is manifested in something else. Selfishness is wishing that other people first care for your needs before looking after their own and believing that someone else, and not you, is responsible for your happiness.

By accepting that you (and not other people) must take care of yourself means that you recognize the same right and duty for other people. Nobody can make another person happy. Only people can make themselves happy. Happiness, like unhappiness, is one’s personal attitude toward what is happening in his or her life. It comes from within rather that from the outside.

It is difficult to agree with this, but the basis of unconditional love is the ability to let your loved one just be and to accept everything that happens to him or her, including misfortune.

But we are responsible for those who we have taken under our wing!

The concept of responsibility, which many people also interpret incorrectly, is closely related to the concept of love. The fact of the matter is, if we accept the premise that only people can make themselves happy or unhappy, then it follows that only people themselves are responsible for their happiness.

Therefore, to be responsible is to accept the consequences of your decisions and, just as importantly, to also allow others to reap the fruits of their decisions. You can only be responsible for yourself. When we feel responsible for other adults, we begin to control their behavior; we try to influence their decisions and actions. This is how we violate people’s boundaries, laying claim their independence and the right to manage their own life.

In addition, when we believe that we are responsible for someone, we always expect that these people will also take responsibility for us. But such an approach leads to a series of mutual expectations and disappointments. There is a happy mean between indifference and active attempts to make other people happy, and this is acceptance and unconditional love.

How can you accept and love unconditionally?

1. Give others the right to who they are or what they want to be, even if you do not like their choice (acceptance does not mean agreement as you may not agree with the choice; you don’t approve of it, but you accept it, which means do not try to change it). Let them live their own life experiences and take responsibility for the consequences of their decisions, even if it hurts you.

2. Do not judge or criticize.

3. Advise and suggest if you want to help, but do not expect that people will take your advice. Only they can decide. Our expectations of other people lead to disappointment and negative emotions because people are not always willing and able to live up to them.

4. If you want something from another person you can only ask rather than demand. And this person has the right not to do you a favor, and to act as only he or she wants. If the person does indeed do something for you, you should accept this with gratitude and not take it for granted. No one owes you anything if there is no previous agreement in place.

How to accept and love oneself?

Accepting oneself is even harder than accepting other people. We often strive towards and ideal, and until we reach it (and most often it is unattainable), we become more and more disappointed in ourselves.

To accept yourself, you should:

1. Admit that sometimes you do not act the way you would like to (you show aggression instead of love and acceptance, lie although you are ashamed), simply because at this moment you cannot act in a different way, because it is beyond your power and abilities. If you accept yourself the way you do not want to be, this will gradually help you become the person you want to be. And the rejection and condemnation of yourself only moves you away from the goals you are striving for.

2. Give everyone – both other people and yourself – the right to react like a human being and to demonstrate emotions. Do not judge yourself or others. When condemnation is pushed away, it makes way for acceptance – no one is to blame. The things that we all live through are not our mistakes; they are experiences that helps us to discover ourselves. We all suffer because we are traumatized and our traumas affect us. There is no person who is completely without trauma. We all have fears, weaknesses and limits. You are neither worse nor better than others, and other people are neither better nor worse than you.

It often happens that when we establish limits and restrictions, these limits begin to expand when we choose acceptance, and we get more strength and opportunities as a result. Acceptance is always better than suppression or resistance.

3. Allow yourself to be different (either good or bad) and still feel good. Yes, you are not what you would like to be. It is true that you do not even meet your own expectations and ideas. But you do not blame yourself and you know that is normal. And this is why you feel good.

4. Make yourself happy, bring pleasure and joy to yourself even when it seems to you that you are unworthy of it and you do not deserve it.

5. Reconcile with other people and accept them. It also helps to look at oneself in a different light.

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