Attention! ALL COPYRIGHTS TO THE PLAY ARE PROTECTED BY THE LAWS OF RUSSIA, INTERNATIONAL LEGISLATION, AND BELONG TO THE AUTHOR. ITS PUBLICATION AND REPUBLICATION, REPRODUCTION, PUBLIC PERFORMANCE, TRANSLATION INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, MAKING CHANGES TO THE TEXT OF THE PLAY WHEN STAGED WITHOUT THE WRITTEN PERMISSION OF THE AUTHOR IS PROHIBITED. THE PRODUCTION OF THE PLAY IS POSSIBLE ONLY AFTER THE CONCLUSION OF A DIRECT CONTRACT BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND THE THEATER.

Dramatic comedy for 3 people in three acts (18+)

Duration 2 hours, including one intermission.

An explanatory note for the director is attached at the end of the play.

ACTORS

Eleanor.

Kostya.

Violetta.

Action 1

Scene 1. Her Majesty – Eleanor.

ztm.

In the pitch darkness, Eleanor's throaty little urge breaks out of the silence of intriguing expectation.

Eleanor (throaty, restrained, incomprehensible sound). Hack.

Silence.

Darkness.

A small pause.

The strange sound is repeated.

Eleanor (throaty, restrained, incomprehensible sound). Heck.

Y… silence.

Darkness.

A small pause.

Eleanor (worried, no longer restrained, emotional). Oop! Oop! Opanki! O-pa-pulechki…

the light turns on smoothly.

The living room is illuminated, in the center of which sits sooooooo full Eleanor in her chair. She is desperately trying to get herself out of this chair and get up!

Eleanor (worried, no longer restrained, emotional). Hey! Opapulechki! Opapulenkiiii… Eeeeeee....

AND, YES!!! She still manages to do it!!! Eleanor gets up. With difficulty, not immediately straightening up, but stands up, presenting in all its glory and volumes.

Groaning and groaning, he walks slowly, heavily around the room.

Eleanor (exhaling heavily). Yes… where are my seventeen years. Was a reed (a small pause)… at four. Like an aspen tree! At seventeen, she was already a dubik, but still had proportions. Kostya picked up her own just then… (With nostalgia.) Eh, those were glorious times… Although she was a dubik, but a dubik with a spark, with a hitch … (Having grown sad and withstood a short pause.). And now it has become a baobab. Without a spark…, without a hitch… How else Kostya hasn't run away from me so far – I don't know. I would have run away from myself a long time ago.

He walks heavily to the mirror, looks at himself with a condemning, reproachful look.

Waving his hand at himself in the mirror, he goes to the forefront to communicate with the viewer.

Eleanor (to the viewer, sincerely). What have I not tried! Diets in general, all that there are have passed through me. Physical exertion, as much as possible – were. Proper nutrition, vegetarianism… I was even a vegan… but not for long. I was sitting on a raw food diet… I almost died, but I still didn't lose weight. Wraps, baths, different modes… Yes, all… Well, really… That's all there is – I've tried everything. But I'm only getting wider from all this… I don't know what to do.

Kostya enters. He's in high spirits. Hiding some kind of box behind his back.

Kostya (happily). Ale? I'm at home. Look what I brought. Ale… oop!

Pulls out a box of cakes from behind his back.

Eleanor (turning around, joyfully, seeing her husband). Kostya! (Ambiguously, after seeing a box of cakes.) Kooooostik, what are you doing to me, that's Herod. How is it possible with real people. You know how much I love sweets, but…

he points with his hands at himself, at his size.

Eleanor (sadly). So… so what? And how?

Kostya (positively). Elechka, don't worry. If you really want to, then a little bit is possible, and maybe even useful. And then… I love cakes myself, so what… I'm going to eat, and you're going to watch? Come on, as they say, a little…

Eleanor (condescendingly). The provocateur… But maybe… just a little… take a sip…

Kostya (delighted). Exclusively take a sip!

Kostya runs away, leaving a box of cakes on the table.

Intriguing music sounds.

Eleanor cautiously, slowly, hesitantly approaches the box, as if casually, as if even disinterestedly, casually turns her gaze to the box. Looks away. But her gaze is drawn back to the box.

Eleanor stops fighting with herself, "breaks off the chain", grabs this box, nervously opens it and greedily, with gusto, begins to eat cakes. One by one. Quickly, cleverly, professionally.

The music ends.

On the third cake, Kostya enters. He carries a teapot in one hand, two mugs in the other.

Kostya (looking forward, happily, not yet seeing his wife). Now we are doing this…

Eleanor comes into Kostya's field of vision, who freezes with the third nibbled cake brought to her mouth.

Kostya stops, swallows pitifully, approaches the box, lowers his hands with the kettle and mugs in frustration.

Eleanor carefully, delicately, carefully finishes the third cake, looks guiltily at Kostya.

Kostya (sadly lifting his gaze from the box to his wife). She took a sip, as I look…

Eleanor (guiltily). Uh-huh…

Kostya (sadly). Uh-huh…

Eleanor takes the last fourth cake out of the box, hands it to Kostya.

Kostya turns the box over, demonstrates that there is nothing left in it anymore. He looks at his wife, with a cake handed to him.

Kostya (sarcastically). Are you sure I should?

Eleanor (quickly, decisively) No, well, if you don't really want to, then so be it…

Eleanor pulls the last fourth cake to her, but Kostya quickly snatches it and puts it in her mouth. He stands chewing, looking at his wife with an imperturbable look.

Eleanor swallows her saliva, looks at her husband with hungry, offended eyes.

They exchange glances.

Kostya is chewing on a cake.

Kostya (triumphantly). That's it!

Eleanor steps aside, trying to let go of the situation and changing the subject. Grunting and groaning, he sits down on the sofa.

Eleanor (short of breath, hard, pausing to catch the air). Well… How are you doing… at work… Is everything okay?

Kostya (happily). Everything is wonderful! Two trucks were sent to St. Petersburg. An agreement was signed with the Finns. There are several more customers in Europe and…

Eleanor (interrupts, stopping her husband's story with a gesture of her hand). Understood-understood. In short, summarizing all this here …, we can state with full responsibility – you are handsome!

Kostya (happily, complacently). Without a doubt!

Eleanor is touched, looking at her husband. Quite exchange glances with mutual cunning.

Eleanor (playfully). Well… come here, handsome. Sit next to the fat aunt.

Eleanor pats the empty seat on the sofa next to her.

Kostya goes to his wife, sits down next to her, hugs her.

Kostya (smoothing the corners). Come on. How fat are you? Literally…, the most wonderful size. I've always appreciated your figure in you. To have something to take on, so to speak. And then this fashion… Look at you – look at what little girls are walking on the catwalks now. The legs are sticks, the handles are translucent. It's not that there's nothing to take on, it's scary to touch there – you won't pierce or break an hour. That's where the female power is. (He points to his wife, strokes her.) Where beauty lurks and natural charm.

Eleanor is thrilled, confused.

Eleanor (playfully). Come on…

Kostya (confidently). So don't tell me about fat aunts. Yes and… don't tell me about any of them at all. I love you. And what is there, where and from whom– I don't care.

Eleanor (mleya). Really?

Kostya (crossing himself). That's the cross!

Eleanor greedily grabs Kostya in her arms and, covering herself, begins to kiss him.

Partial blackout.

Musical lyrical background.

Scene 2. As always, not at the right time.

The music of the first scene subsides.

Eleanor and Kostya are trying in some not very clever way to move on to more decisive actions, logically following from everything that is happening above, but they are interrupted by Violetta's nasty voice.

Violetta (skeptically). Ding-ding…

Violetta enters.

Eleanor and Kostya discontentedly return to a decently seated position, look at the guest.

Violetta (not really worrying about her inappropriateness). Guys, really, when will you fix the bell?

Eleanor (displeased). Yes, Kostya fixed it a year ago. And you still won't learn how to use it!

Violetta (including the fool). And.. yes? About how. I didn't know. Mechanically, therefore, I entered. Well…, I will know now. And then… why should I call, on the other hand.

Violetta turns the keys to the door in her hand.

Eleanor (displeased). But by the way! Why do you have the keys to our house? I don't have the keys to your house, and mind you, I've never allowed myself to come to visit you without an invitation. And for some reason you allow yourself to do this, moreover, quite often.

Violetta (calmly, confidently). Everything is right. I'm not your sister, but Kostya. What's the big deal? I don't understand your feelings about this. If you were my sister, you would also open my door with a kick, I wouldn't even make a peep. And that's fine. So se la vie. Well… for interrupting you from an important lesson – for that, I humbly ask you to forgive me. I had an important reason for that.

Kostya (getting better, putting himself in order, getting up from the sofa.). Hello, Violetta. Did something happen to you?

Eleanor (nervously). It happened! Exactly what happened to me!

Kostya (attentively, cautiously). What?

Eleanor cautiously looks at Violetta, waiting for the disclosure of the intrigue.

Violetta (nervously, loudly, to Kostya and Eleanor). Why are you both staring at me? Don't you know that there's a shoe store sale today, what's underneath you?

Kostya (pointing down, looking at his wife). Is there a sale today?

Eleanor nods affirmatively to Kostya.

Kostya (turning back to his sister). Yes, there is a sale, we are aware. Well, so what?

Violetta (freaking out, waving her arms). Yes… Psh… I mean, what? I looked at three pairs of shoes for myself. They all fit me perfectly. But I don't have enough money for all three. So either give me an urgent loan, or come with me, tell me which ones to choose. I'll scrape together two pairs, but there's no way for three.

Kostya and Eleanor exchange confused glances.