Цитаты из книги «Английские анекдоты / English Jokes»

– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? – Yes, of course. – Great! I never could before!

* * * What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: “woman without her man is nothing”. The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, “Put him on the phone,[63] I’m lost! and need directions!”

The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”

“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client. “What’s the bad news?” The lawyer says: “Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]” “Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?” “Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!” The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!” They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

Man says to God: “Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?” God says, “So you would love her.” “But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?” God says, “So she would love you.”

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said: – I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking. – In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.