© Alem Kengerli, 2021

© International Writer’s Union, 2021

1

I like being on the way. I especially like traveling long distances. It may be by car, by train, by plane, anything… A man can spend some time in the privacy of his or her mind, have some internal talks and build a few plans for the future. Being on the road is good for me also because of my creative work. Please, don’t think that literary characters have no after-book life and that their lives end with the final page of the book. In my world, they live forever. I talk to them, and I ask for advice when I need it, sometimes even gossip. A person chooses friends from his or her inner circle and from the same sex. There are old and young people among my characters, men and women. Therefore, the assortment of my friends is quite a large one.

Today, I am in a train. I am going to the west of the country. For some reason, the first ones that come to my mind are Tale and Kenul. Why them? Maybe because it is cloudy today and the rain keeps beating against the window of my compartment. After all, rain always causes sentimentality, and sentimentality is what the sad story of this young couple does not lack.

Many moons ago, they loved each other, but ended up parting. Maybe Tale does not even remember Kenul. He has a family now, a family he loves dearly. One day, he feels unwell and goes to a clinic. He meets Kenul, dressed in white robe, in the doctor’s office. The unexpected meeting is especially important for the woman.

Seeing her lost love, she starts thinking that she could somehow change her life and renew their former relationship.

Now, what does Tale think about it?

An Unexpected Meeting

The birds seemed to sing their song louder than usual this morning. The rays of the spring sun played on the window pane. He slowly got out of bed. At night, he did not sleep well, tormented by pain. He thought it would be appropriate to go to a clinic and do a complete checkup. He went to a neighboring room and checked the kids. The babies were sleeping peacefully. He felt satisfied. Quietly, he left the children’s bedroom and went back to his. He stretched the blanket over his wife’s naked back. After that, he went to the kitchen. He lit the gas and put the teapot on the stove. After a while, he thought that he would probably need to do some tests and so he decided to abstain from breakfast. He switched the gas off and returned to the bedroom. He started putting his clothes on. He thought of going to work after visiting the clinic. He had to come in time so he quickly packed up and left the apartment block.

As he was leaving the entrance hall, he looked at his mobile phone to find out the time. There was still time before the clinic opened, so he could walk. He looked around. There were buds clearly visible on otherwise bare branches. The breath of spring could be felt. The clean spring air that he inhaled and that filled his lungs did not dissipate the ache in the back. He felt some kind of premonition. As if something bad was going to happen.

There were not many people in the clinic. He went up to the registration desk, explained the reason of his visit and got his referral. Having paid for the services, he got the receipt and went to room No. 15. Paying no attention to the sign that read "Mamedova Kenul", he knocked on the door and quietly entered. The doctor wearing a white overall raised her head and, seeing him, cried out: “Tale?” She became petrified with surprise.

He also stood there, frozen.

"Is it really him?" the doctor was asking herself. She could not believe her eyes. She couldn't believe that it was Tale standing in front of her.

Her face turned red and her eyes widened.

Tale was confused as well. He was so lost that he even forgot to say hello. His throat became dry and he couldn't swallow. With his anxious eyes, he looked at Kenul Khanum as if not from a two-meter distance, but from 10 years ago, full of tender memories. It was obvious that the long separation could not extinguish the passion in the souls of two persons who were once madly in love with each other. Each one had a hurricane inside. Some time passed. The guy was the first to pull himself together:

“How are you, Kenul?”

The girl lowered her head and began to sob so loudly that the clinic workers could have heard her and run to the noise. The back ink outlines became smeared across her face. Tale regretted that he caused such suffering in the girl with his visit, but, at the same time, he could not leave the room. He made two steps toward her and said quietly:

“Kenul, please, don’t cry. Otherwise, it will be full here in a few moments.” He didn't expect to receive a tough response from her:

“Let them come. I don’t care. I am tired of living this way. Do you know the way I live, the way I feel? I don’t have any strength to support it anymore, Tale…”

Having calmed down a little, the girl began to wipe her tears with the sleeve of her robe, then continued:

“Tell me the truth, why did you come? You want to irritate me? Maybe you want to burn me in the fire of past memories?”

Tale began to swear that he came by accident.

“What are you talking about, Kenul? I swear I didn't know you worked here. Neither did I expect to meet you here. And I came because I don't feel well. I thought I needed to be examined.”

“The plate on the door told you nothing?” Kenul asked angrily.

“I swear I didn't even pay attention to it. If I knew you were working here I would turn and walk away.”

“Would you? Hmm. So, you’d walk away? Where did your passionate love go, then? So, you don’t love me anymore. I am a stranger now. Right?”

Tale realized that his answer could aggravate the situation even more, so this time he kept silent.

“Wasn’t it you who promised that “Only death can separate us. There is no such power that can take you away from me?”

Tale, who was trying to figure out what Kenul was trying to say by this, took a deep breath and asked in a hoarse voice:

“You want us to break our families apart and start everything over? You should have thought at the time that you would have to shed tears later. You don’t have the right to accuse me, Kenul. I see no guilt in me. If you want to know the truth, I do think of you always, and I lament the fact that you have not become mine.” Kenul reminded him of what he had just said:

“And you say that you did not know that I worked here. Otherwise, you wouldn't bother me.”

Tale was having a hard time justifying himself:

“I didn't want to see you again and hurt my old wound. After all, a return to the past is…”

A knock on the door prevented him from finishing his thought. A bearded middle- aged man in a gray hat opened the door and stuck his head out:

“Can I enter??

“No,” Kenul answered angrily. “Tell them to refer you to another doctor. I don’t receive patients.”

She started dialing a number on her phone:

“Zarifa, do not send any patients to me today. I feel bad,” she said into the phone. Apparently, she heard something in response and objected:

“No, I don’t need anything, don't worry.”

The woman hung up and turned to Tale:

“You say you didn't want to wake up your old wound, right? What about me? Did you think about me? As if it was not enough that you did not look for me, but you also did not want to know how I was getting along. Why? Is it just because we are not together? You used to call me “My Kenul,” and now I am just “Kenul.”… You forgot your promises of eternal love so easily. You gave me your word that you would never allow me to suffer. Do you know what I had to go through? I have no strength anymore, I can’t live that way. A heart is not a stone after all. It breaks apart, it hurts. Do you know the amount of suffering I had to endure?!”

Kenul spoke sobbingly, as tears rolled down her cheeks without ceasing. She took a heart-shaped mirror from her bag and put it on the table. Tale gave her this mirror in a gold frame and with the same handle 15 years ago.

Seeing the mirror, he became confused. Does it mean that all these years she was carrying his gift with her as a reminder?…

“This gift for me is the dearest and most valuable in my life. I cherished this mirror like the apple of my eye. I never parted with it. I thought if I lost it, I would lose you. Every time I look into it, I see you, not myself.”

Kenul weeped bitterly, as if trying to cry out all her pain and ease herself that way, free herself from suffering. Tale was confused. He did not know what to do. And Kenul just would not stop.

Tale approached her with caution. He stroke her hair and uttered: “Kenul, please. Don’t cry. If you love me, don’t cry.”

She seemed to become drunk from his touch. Wiping away her tears, she said, “My marriage turned out to be a torture for me. At that time, I was envied for the fact I was being married to a rich man. What do I need his money for if the man drinks every day and spends his time with his drunkard friends? He is not an educated man, far removed from any ideas of decency. He is not bothered by his family or by his only child. His son is 9 already and there were hardly 9 times when he would ask something about him. Believe me, Tale, if it were not for the son, I would have laid my hands on me long ago.”

Tale mentally plunged into those years full of pleasant memories. Without taking his eyes off Kenul, he carefully put his hand on her shoulder.

“I understand you perfectly, Kenul. But what can I do? We have to endure it. Don’t worry. Everything will settle down over time. And throw these blasphemous thoughts away from your head. Keep thinking about your son’s upbringing only. He will grow into a good man and will cure all of your wounds. You’ll see for yourself…”

Tale's fingers trembled slightly while resting on Kenul's shoulder. The latter continued to sob. Her shoulders were shaking from time to time. Some time passed. Kenul was finally able to calm down. She wiped her tears again with the sleeve of her robe. Seeing Tale embarrassed she thought that maybe he was sorry for the past, so she said:

“Alright, I did manage to upset even you.”

They opened the door again. Kenul kept asking the guy: “Tell me, how are you? How is your life with your spouse?” “Nothing to shout about. Just normal life.”

“You don’t love her, do you? Tell me you don’t. Admit it, you did not love anyone after me.”

The man did not like these questions. He tried to avoid answering.

“I have two kids: a boy and a girl. They don’t go to school yet. They’re too small yet. My son resembles me, while the daughter… I think she is your lookalike. Maybe it’s not the truth, but that’s how I feel.”

She was delighted at his words. But soon she declared with sadness in her voice, “You did not change at all, and I have become old. My destiny made me old.” Kenul has really turned uglier. Her former beauty was gone. In her eyes, one could see the pain from the hard life that she lived. Tale could not resist and began to reproach, even accuse her, “It’s your own fault, Kenul. You didn’t believe in me. You didn’t follow me.”

Kenul seemed to have shrunk somehow.

“I couldn’t. Did not dare. I wanted but I didn’t make it. I sacrificed my life for mother’s tears. I couldn’t say no to my father who would always say, “I promised Ali-kishi, do not dishonor me in front of the people!” I ruined my life for my parents. And they traded me for gold, wealth and fame. Nowadays, while being in that mansion, brightly lit by powerful chandeliers, I feel myself in darkness. My whole life went downhill. I am utterly unhappy. I really miss my old house, where I lived before marriage. How happy I was at that time. I guess you cursed me.”

The man became very affected by these last words.

“What are you saying? What cursing? I am not like that. I am unable to curse anyone. Besides, by doing this, I would have cursed myself too. Don’t you think so, Kenul?”

She got up slowly from her chair. She took his hands and looked into his eyes. “Why didn’t we unite, Tale? What did we do to anger God?”

“…”

“You have preserved your youth and charm up to this day. I keep on loving you. I love you like crazy, with all of my heart.”

Tale could not pull his hands out.

“Kenul, what if someone enters. Don’t create problems for yourself, he said quietly.”

“Let them come. You know, Tale, all these years I have been living with you in my mind. I kissed you and I caressed you. There was not a single day that I spent without you. Every time they humiliated me I remembered your pride and I endured. How could I forget your warmth, your caress, even the funny jokes you used to tell me? I must have spent all the happy days that destiny had for me with you.”

Kenul calmed down and Tale came to his senses. He stroke her head and tried to cheer her up:

“Just be patient, Kenul. All will pass. You will see, gradually everything will be settled. I can visit you if you want. You can trust me.”

What woman does not get soothed by such comforting words coming from her beloved man?

“So you say you will visit. You know, that would be great. Don’t worry about me. I am not afraid of my husband. I just couldn’t divorce him. My parents are against it. They say “don’t dishonor us.” I don’t know what to do. I have lost my mind. Life does not mean a thing for me anymore. And now, I am happy that you exist, Tale. You know…”

He didn’t let her finish:

“You are wrong, Kenul. After all, you have a child, you blood son. You have to live for him. You have to educate him well.”

Clutching his hands in hers, she sighed:

“Youjust keep on supporting me, huh? You’re a good man. You don’t want to see me down, you encourage me to live.”

Then she added,

“Tale, if you really love me, make me forget my suffering. Press me against your chest and kiss me passionately, from the heart, as in those years when we were young. I want to feel as if I am yours. Do not deny me this happiness, I implore!” The man glanced uneasily at the door, trying to gently push her away from him. He knew he could not allow such closeness.

“Be smart, Kenul. Don’t say such things. You’re not a child, are you? You do understand what you are saying. You want to destroy your family? And what will your parents say, your relatives, your coworkers? What will your son’s friends say? He will hate you…”

“…”

“It’s late, Kenul. I am leaving. We have already been here for a long time. What the others might think?”

Annoyance could be clearly heard in her voice.

“I don’t care. I have missed you all these years. You cannot imagine the relief I felt today.”

Once again Kenul began to persuade her beloved to hug her. She assured that there was nothing bad about this. But Tale did not agree and she had to retreat.

“Let me examine you at least, and then you’ll go,” she said.

Tale felt satisfied that he was able to lighten the mood, and therefore went on: “Not worth the trouble, dear. I have no serious complaints. It's too late, I am leaving. I need to get to work. I’ll come tomorrow, you’ll take a good look at me.”

She could not object:

“Okay, Tale. You have no idea how you made me happy with your visit. I will be waiting, be sure to come.”

Kenul put her arms around him and pressed her cheek against his chest. He felt her heartbeat by his own heart. It was as if two hearts were beating in one chest. She hugged his chest so hard… He kissed her in the forehead and went out quietly.

The next day, Kenul waited for Tale for a long time, but he never came. He did not appear on other days either.

She waited for many days. Every time the door opened, she hoped it was him. These expectations were exhausting for Kenul, but at the same time, they brought some meaning to her monotonous and dull life.

She lived in the hope that one morning at nine o'clock, Tale would open this door and embrace his Kenul with a smile on his face.